CHRISTMAS CHALLENGE: DAY SIX

You can cup the water.  You can get drink from the water in your cupped hands.  You can appreciate every drop, the presence of the water itself.  You can be aware of every sweet moment as you quench your thirst.  But all the time, even if you drink fully, the water runs through your fingers.

It's been kind of a rough evening. 

My children and I gathered around Sam's computer, in his office, while he scrolled through photos and recordings of our little family in recent years passed.

There was so much I had forgotten.  I realized this as I watched recordings of my toddler children talking with lisps, in part sentences.  Not knowing Jack was being recorded, he would put his face right into the camera, all of his baby teeth showing and say, "cheese".    Big sparkly eyes, little curly heads.

In one recording, I had a painted face with a silver star surrounding one of my eyes.  I was holding Ada and we were all trying to convince her to kiss me.  She wasn't sure.  She would have none of it.  She knew it was me but didn't like the makeup.  We were together and laughing. 
And young Ed, always and as ever, being cooperative, dreaming and thinking and having discussions with Dad about "buffalo pies" as we explored Antelope Island.  "Doze aren't pies, Dad".  The kids were laughing at their "little kid" antics.

It was everything I could do to not shake with sobbing.

I make this goal to celebrate and to live in the moment.  I'm really enjoying myself.  It's been a wonderful experience for me so far -these crafts and secret projects and goals... but I'm seeing more clearly than ever that I can't take it all in.  It just keeps moving on, so fast. 


I feel such gratitude for my life, my children and for Sam.  I was not weeping bitter tears of regret.  Mostly I am overcome with gratitude.  How is it that I have been given so much?

How is it?

And how could I ever, ever be stingy with my life, my blessings, my material things and my time?  How?

***

As I pulled out more Christmas decorations, I ran into (for the 10th year in a row)  the unfinished stockings I started when Eddie was a baby.  My sister in law, so many years ago, let me use her sewing machine, her house and most of her fabric.  She fed me soup and she taught me how to applique the christmas tree on to the plaid material.   She taught me how to make a ruffle, how to do a "basting stitch" and a "blanket stitch".  Really, she did most of the work, which is why only one out of the three stockings has ever been completed.

Folk art I guess isn't really the style anymore.  But as I looked at those stockings and thinking of that precious water slipping through my fingers I felt suddenly compelled to finish them.  Every year I say that is my intention, but it's different now, urgent.  I want to be able to give something to my kids when they grow up.  Something from me, made with them in mind.  Something they used at home, when they were young.   

Plus, I don't like that for so many years I have made a habit of not finishing what I start. That's part of it, too.

So,  for the past hour or so, I've been working on the stockings.  Unfortunately, they're not done.  I am having to relearn everything and it's taking a long time!  But I will finish them and post pictures when I'm done.

(sorry, none of this is proofread, I hope it's not too confusing)