I resist making big goals, or more accurately, I resist working hard toward big goals, because I'm afraid of failure.
If I fail at a goal that I sort of approached willy-nilly, then I have my reason for failing - I didn't really try, so big deal. Somehow I've perceived that notion as much better than really giving my all and in the end not being good enough. I know that's ridiculous, that this fear of failure is what's keeping me from bigger and better things.
In that light and with a desire to really change how i "do life" - I made one of my resolutions in January to complete a race that is well beyond my physical capabilities (or was at the time). It's one that I've wanted to do for a long time.
I've been working toward this goal since then and now Saturday is D-day. The day where I get to see what I'm made of. It's not like I'm even trying to win the thing. I just want to finish, is all. That would be a big deal for me. That's my goal.
This week leading up to it has been dreadful. I am having a terrible case of the "what-ifs". If I don't accomplish this goal, I won't know how to handle it. Because I actually worked for this one. Maybe not perfectly, but diligently. I kept it as a real focus - despite time constraints, injuries (a bike crash) and lack of sleep (3:45am start times) - I kept moving toward this goal. What if it's all for not in the end, HUH???
Then there's my competitive nature. My PRIDE... There have been a few, who upon hearing of my goal, took one shocked look up and down my fleshy, middle aged frame and actually asked me stupid questions, like, "You realize how long that race is, don't you?" or "Do you even know how to swim?" or "Oh wow. I hope you've been training!"
Dee. You. Eytch.
Yeah, I'd love to stick it to those haters. ;)
UGH. Why can't I just be fun? Just go and have an adventure, see what happens?
Come Saturday morning I will be in a better state of mind, I know I will. Until then, I have this knot in my gut that is driving me crazy!!!
I suppose that if I don't (for whatever reason) finish - it will be good for me to have pursued a goal, long term, and measure those results. It's not a loss. It's not for nothing!
And really, in this way, I suppose I've already met my main goal - changing the way I approach things, giving something a GO - really going after it, seeing what I'm made of.
Okay, now I feel better. Wish me luck!!!
6 comments:
good luck!
just trying makes you a winner. xox
For a long time, I have had a similar problem... holding myself back so I don't have to see how I do if I really work towards something. I can be more patient with myself if I'm bad at something if I'm not really trying. But then I realized we have this time on Earth to choose what we do with and by avoiding the more menial tasks like practicing music instead of just playing it, I was actually making myself a less interesting person rather than a more interesting. But I also found I needed to set the right goals or I was just fighting myself. Anyway, I commend you for training for a race. This is something that does not sound one ounce of fun to me and requires a lot of discipline. So you're right. By changing the way you approach something, you've already won.
Good luck!
So sorry. This is Melina. I can't figure out how to change my name on Google. I'll get it someday.
Oh Melissa, you are totally going to rock it! There is not doubt in my mind. The training is the hardest part! I can't wait to hear all about it.
I Love you!
This race wont be a loss, go for it, you'll be great!
GOOD LUCK!
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