the Ugly Unbosoming

Thou shalt not covet
one explained this as, "counting another person's blessings"
i know the sin

if you don't know
it feels like bile
green churning in your belly
sour heat which burns
from your guts and up into your eyes
you blink
you try to swallow it down
it makes you sick
makes you want to bawl and hide
so you can hate yourself where no one can see you

my problem
is what i covet
the longer i live
the harder i try
i fear i shall never obtain
but be forced to live and
see what i desperately covet
in another woman's form

i don't know how to remedy this-

it's not her fortune or family
i am more than satisfied with my own

it's not her car or dwelling
i don't care much for material things

it's not her handsome features
even if by comparison her profile is much more pleasing

no,
it's her character

coveting character is a silly thing, i know
it's not reserved only for some with the right name
and others by strategic measures of
marriage or birth or by the tricking of the fates
character -
it is attainable by everyone
and yet,

i struggle
and fight
and try to be better
and just when i think i'm on the right path

she walks into the room
not a muse
not an ideal
a fresh and real live woman
magnanimously embodying

focus
quality
virtue
discipline
strength
and more
she wafts this ample bundle
while leaping through her days
doesn't stop

and i?
i struggle to carry and collect
dragging one obstinate and lazy foot
must stop to rest
every few minutes
only then realizing what i've dropped
having to go back and pick up the mess
again and again

we are all running our own race
i know it
we all have our own bundle to carry
and claim
to compare is to lose sight of the real goal
i know that too,  i do!
but, and this is my deadly sin -

i can't help but see the glaring difference
the possibilities
the breadth of my lacking
when she breezes in

no longer young enough
to be under the illusion of ample time
regret creeps in for what i have not done

and while i continue to try (i will not give up)
i seem doomed to a thick and fast
gulping down of that caustic fetor
every time i see what she,
in the very same years,
has become

she-
lovely
faith-filled
good
courage
shiny like a new penny (as they say)-
she is doing it

while i fumble along -
awkward
messy
insanely slow
ever distracted
watching
with wonder

with envy.