Mid Life Miracle.

10.12.20

Having just come home from a date and feeling peckish, I stood facing the open fridge, searching. 

I heard her voice down the hall. My nineteen year old daughter was playing guitar while singing my eight year old son to sleep. 

Strangely and suddenly, I went back in time. I was sixteen and sitting on the shaggy red carpet in my bedroom. It was one of those days I tried to contemplate my future - one of those times I wondered what my life would bring.  Usually, those visions were fuzzy.  More of a feeling than a picture.  But this time, my young self was getting a vivid glimpse of the adult me, standing in front of the fridge, hearing a pretty song carrying through the hallway. It was such a beautiful sound. Wanting to investigate, I follow the song down the hallway and peek into the bedroom.  A lovely and grown girl, about my age, is playing guitar.  She is familiar, but nothing I could have constructed in my mind. She is singing a song about hope.  I am awed by her.  Above her in a loft bed lays a sweet boy, safely tucked in.  The softest cheek and longest eyelashes peek from the covers.  I want to know him and all about the ample collection of sea shells and rocks that rest on a shelf beneath his bed.  

Sixteen year old me seeing this is thrilled at what her life had become.  She would marvel at the beauty, the goodness.   She would think, "Yes.  This is exactly what I want. To the last detail."  There are other glimpses of the future which would have left young-girl-me utterly terrified.  But this one - this was magic.  

My refrigerator reverie ended, though I was still facing the wide open fridge with my hand mindlessly gripping the handle.  I knew instantly what the vision was, this merciful and strange gift of presence.  So, I stood there a bit longer and accepted it. I let it fill me up.  Brim full.  I said,  "Thank You" and closed the fridge. 

Then, I took my 43 year old self and followed the beautiful sound down the real hallway of my real life so I could see and wonder at it all again. 

A Daily Prayer

What makes raising teenagers so scary?
It's because

they start to grow up
branch out
seek their own way

AND
they aren't ready
they know so little about life -
They aren't ready
(I'm not ready)

but it's coming,
the essential and beautiful breakaway

All that is left undone,
Is done. no makeup days.

so you just start with today
look them in the eyes
Love, Love, Love

Teaching, speaking ever so gently (no, even more gently)

Here - you see more than ever-
here are the days when Charity,
that pure love which comes from
He who alone can do the saving

is the greatest of teachers, and the only way that will work-
patience
prayer (lots of prayer)
long suffering
kindness in words, in deed
and also, 
attempts to raise the dead in the morning, and in despair, and in the face of discouragement

It is a holy work
and when I kneel at night
I express gratitude for one more day
one more blessed day to get it right
Help me, I plead.
Help me forgive
Help me to be quick to express happiness, praise, goodness, peace -
Help me LOOK and understand
Help me to know what to do

Because I'm still that kid
who is feeling her own way
and I just want to get this right, despite my weakness.

Oh, my weakness.  Glaring in the face of offspring who are now eye level -
they see them all, more clearly then ever. 

Is it hard?  Raising teenagers?
I don't wish away one moment,

I am so fond of these young people.

In those quiet nights (and mornings and lunchtimes) when my prayers are most earnest
I remember:

I will always be their mother.
It's okay.
You have now.
It's enough time.
Write this day on your heart,  It is a gift just for you,  you blessed (and loved) girl.

and remember,

The sweetest season is the one you're in.
you know this, but only it if you pay attention and filter your days with gratitude.

So pay attention.

I Love Her...

Photo by Lizzie Carter

 From 6 months of age,  I knew this girl had the gift of sunshine in her heart.

"She will persist in happiness," I thought to myself one day.  This, no doubt, is a Divinely given gift.

And her imagination?  Another of her gifts, which is so big she can barely contain it.  It runs wild and at a pace with which she can barely keep up.  She is constantly purging ideas and dreams.  I will find mounds of paper and stacks of  filled notebooks and journals and pens, all collecting under her bed.  She writes and writes...stories, plays, songs.  She's written two lullabies for the baby already.

Ada is so imaginative, in fact,  she can hardly get a thing done.  "Distracted" is a ridiculous understatement.

I am often not patient (or very kind) about this.  And lately, I've come to just barking all the time at her.  She is constantly in a dream world and it takes forEVER to get anything done.  Homework, picking up a mess, hanging up her coat.

Lately, I am making a concerted effort to be patient.  I am seeing this girl does much better with requests that come with a little glitter and sunshine.  And she loves to do good and be good.  I am working on holding my tongue and waiting just - a - moment -

Because what drives me crazy is also what I absolutely love about her.  

Today, I sent her outside to throw away some garbage.  She was cleaning her room.  Several minutes had passed and she hadn't returned, so I went upstairs and peeked out the back door.

She was wandering around in the backyard, head up to the sky, and I could tell by the way her mouth was moving that she was singing a song to herself.  She bent down to pick something up.  It was a marble.  She held it up to the sunlight, squinted one eye, an looked through the glowing glass with the other - still singing to herself.  It was a sunny, 60 degree day in February and  I could hardly blame her for taking her time. 

I didn't call her in.  Instead I just watched her for a while.  Her freshly washed, crazy messy curls all around her head.  Her chunky glasses.  She is growing so tall, maybe taller than her brother.  She was so happy in her moment, so sweet.

I adore her.

Sam was watching along side me.  "We are lucky.  She may be the only girl we ever have," he said.  "I love everything about her.  I wouldn't change one thing about that girl."

Another photo by Lizzie Carter

I agree.

Blessed Three Times and Forever...

One
is the one who calls to inform me
he is at the widow's house
helping her sort out shoes
which will be given to those in need,
and then he'd like to go and play.

Two
is the one, barely a decade old
who has an SAT score
marked repeatedly with
PHS
(post high school)
but will always defer to his mother
because he cares about feelings more than anything else

Three
is the one who cannot be told
determined to learn in her own way -
and in her own world.
i am not at all nervous.
she is unbreakable in her happiness,
dancing always to a song in her heart.




*darling photo courtesy of Lizzie Carter. (click on her name to see some great photog skills.  you won't be sorry.)

Stiff, Clean Laundry...(A True and Simple Story)

She (the daughter) was in trouble and was displaying a very poor attitude. So, I (the mother) brassed onto her eardrums and told her to take her friend home and then go to bed, her day was over.  She stood there, glaring and nettled, then turned and left.

I stood there alone for a moment, watching the storm door gradually closing.  It was then that it happened.  I knew what to do.

She would not go to bed upon returning.

Instead, she and I went into the backyard to gather the laundry which had been drying on the line.  I taught her how to fold the tea towels in half, then into thirds.  The larger towels had stiffened in the hot August air and together we shook and softened them up a bit.  We talked and laughed, snapping the stiffness into something pliable, wrappable.

As I watched her fumbling, folding, smiling - I wondered at the strong emotion I felt.  It was a kind of relief from an almost impending doom.  Like the wind from a racing car which zooms by,  touseling your hair just as you yank the wandering toddler from the street.

(Please don't misunderstand my metaphor.  I am the clueless toddler.)

You see, someone's mother whispered into my ear today.  Told me to stop yelling and just do a little work side by side.

For once, I listened.

And the reward?  My daughter's expression was happiness.  She said to me, "Thank you, Mom, for teaching me how to do this."

After, we went inside and made dinner together. 

***
My life, perhaps, is so simple that I must create substantial meanings in small things in order to feel that there is some great purpose to my easy life.  This thought often occurs to me and is what usually prevents me from publicly writing memories like this.

Or perhaps, every once in a while, I am actually seeing things as they really are.

Either way, I felt a moment of peace in motherhood.  A moment of clarity, purpose, and a sense that I did right by my girl.  And that is my greatest ambition in life, 

To do right by My Own.


(Thank you, Mom, for teaching me how to do this).  

day twenty-two: From a Distance

This photo may not seem so spectacular, but it makes me laugh everytime I come across it:

 

Last year, as Sam and I struggled to put up the sail on our new boat, we were constantly being distracted by arguing twins.  

After a short period of time, I'd had enough.  I walked over to Jack, grabbed him by the elbow, then dragged him over to Ada (grabbing her by the elbow) and took them to the car for a time out.

Before we'd even made it to the car, they started up again.  I thought to myself, "They need some alone time.  They're just going to tear each other up in the car."  So I split them up.

Far, far away from each other and far, far, far away from us.   (But still in eye-shot.  Barely.)

Here's a closer look:

They did not like this.  Not one bit.

day twenty: Sunflare

So...some of these are an accident.  I think the point of this challenge is to do the daily requirement on purpose - not just dig up some old photos that sort of have what is being asked.  But in most of the photos, I was aware of the light and trying new things with my camera.

Almost all  photos were taken at Arch Canyon in November 2010 unless noted otherwise:

Heber Valley campground at sunset after rainstorm -August 2010.  Not sure if this counts as sunflare...the camera didn't change much (I didn't want it too) - the sunset really glowed like this!  I just wish I could have gotten more color.    

Honestly, this "sun flare" was not entirely deliberate.  But I was experimenting with settings on my camera to allow in more light and was aware that the sun would partially be in the shot.

Also, not a deliberate sun flare shot.  But I love it because Ada is pointing to it.

By now, I noticed the sun flare and  I wanted to see if I could get those streams of light in my photo, but was afraid of having too much sun...  [Arch Canyon, November 2010]

I used the night time setting here and purposefully kept the sun in the shot.  The whites of those plants were really lighting up like that in the natural light but other exposures just wouldn't show it off like this one (and only just barely). 

I know nothing about good composition, but I do like this photo of Jack.

GNO ---June 2010

Every year, there is an event called, "Fathers and Sons" - it's a camping outing for the boys and their dads in the neighborhood.


And when the boys are away, the girls play.  Ada gets to pick what we do.  In the past, we have
*eaten at Noodles and Company  (more than once)
*Shopped at Old Navy (she likes that place)
*Gone to a movie
*Made treats

Last year, we met up with my sister in law (aunt Laurel) and we ate at the Golden Corral.  Laurel loves that place and Ada was curious to try it out.  I wasn't too impressed, but Ada liked it.  Laurel and Ada had a blast together, telling jokes and making each other laugh.  Laurel showed Ada the ropes- where to get the ice cream and how yummy it is to sprinkle cheese on your corn- stuff like that.  I mostly watched.  They were cute together.  I wish I had thought to bring my camera.

Later, Ada and I rented a movie and had a spa night at home.  A foot soak, painted fingers and toes.

We even made a homemade facial mask, with all sorts of crazy ingredients from the fridge (yogurt, oatmeal, strawberries, avocado, maybe lemon and I can't remember what else) - we kind of made it up as we went along.

 It looked strange, but it smelled good and didn't seem to do any damage.

 I think the strawberries stained our complexion a little, we had rosier cheeks afterward.

 She's fun and sweet and I love her so!  I can't wait to do it again this year.

10 Words

          she
          told
          everyone
          it
         was
          a
         miracle -
          she
          believed
          me

CHRISTMAS CHALLENGE: DAY EIGHTEEN

The nativity.  A new experience? The challenge for today, is to write about it.   But I can tell you from the get-go, it's not going to be easy for me.

For the 33rd time in my life,
I sat in a room full to the brim
People young and old
Babies,  each one looked like my own


I never noticed that much before.  How much we all resemble one another.
Maybe it was because Laura wasn't there
(In body, anyway).

Searching for her in every embrace, in every smile,
I found, she was there.  Her presence was all over the place, in body and in spirit.
My sister, from behind, heard her laugh.
I saw her smiling, happy eyes over and over and over again.

I told her daughters that this silly little Christmas challenge was really inspired by their mother. 
And I wanted to write about it, about her,  but I just can't.
How can I write about my regrets for not showing my love and appreciation for her.
How much I will miss her.
How much I love her girls and how her home felt like home, always.
How she seemed to be ever youthful, soft skin, fresh faced.
Determined to make sure I felt loved and more than adequate.

My beautiful aunt Laura

 I can't do it, because I'd want to write something as beautiful as I think she is.
But it just comes out as fumbling.

Maybe someday.

Today,  in that room of lookalikes, big and small -
My daughter was the donkey.
She asked to be
She said she should because she's strong enough


I was the donkey several times.
That happens when you are one of the oldest grandchildren.  You have the strongest back.
I never wanted to be the donkey
I wanted to drape a soft blue cloth over my head
And sit on the donkey, as Mary, the beautiful star of the show
Who carried the glorious babe.

Surely, Ada would feel the same.
Knowing how much she likes to be center stage,
decked out and sparkling.

Little did I know
Ada had it right
"It's an important job" she said.
Mary and Joseph,
"They needed that donkey to get there."
And she was strong enough.  


Ada.
Have I mentioned before how she's like sunshine?  (Oh, I have?)
Can you see what I mean?
She's a smart little girl. And good.  And sweet.
I can see her face in the photo below

Dan & Barbara:  They are crazy for each other.   And they are my grandparents.

 I look so much like my grandpa.  I even have his hands.  I never noticed before.
I love my family.


That's all.  Now I'm going to bed.  I think I've overdone it the last few days.  :(

Extraction in the middle of Summer.

I'm glad I wrote this down (even though I wasn't technically blogging). It reminds me that I need to make a followup visit!

***

Ada writes letters.  Once, she wrote a letter to the Easter Bunny requesting that her basket be hidden - but not too well - because the previous year was discouraging.  Much to the boys' envy, she got her wish!

And if that worked, well then, why not this:

To: The tooth fairy

From: Ada

I went to the dentist and they pold my tooth.  I don't have the tooth because it was bloody and they didn't want me to keep it.  But still could I have something I could take on my trip in the morning?  And could I please have two dollars?  Thank you.

Best wishes,

Ada

Carter

This is the response letter (unfortunately she never actually read it, because we were in too big a hurry to get out of town).

Dearest Ada,

I regret to inform you that, due to the costly nature of your tooth extraction (and because it isn't considered a "natural" tooth-loss), I was obliged to give the two dollars to your mother - which is to go towards paying the dentist for extracting the aforementioned tooth.  I think your nice dentist was trying to save you from this disappointing letter by not giving you the tooth (he knows how these things work).

I really appreciate your letter though, it was very well written and I am impressed by your good manners.  And even though you didn't lose your tooth in the "conventional" way, I hope your mother noted your bravery at the dentist's office. 

Remember to brush and floss and keep that smile looking pretty!

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy

{Camping near Comb Ridge Nov 2010}

Not To Be Outdone...

here is a little taste of Ada's adventures

  www.adasadventures.blogspot.com

I do not approve of the photo of me that she used, but the story is great!

I'm trying to let them have their "own" thing, and not interfere, but what do I do when they put a picture up like that??


P.S.  This girl is desperate for comments.  So, if you are at all inclined, don't hesitate!  


Will Jack be next?  So far, he just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Nah.  Can I just play games on the computer?"

We Used To Call Them, "The Babies"

I read somewhere that you shouldn't refer your twins as "the twins".   You know, because they're individuals after all.  And calling them "the twins" creates a negative stigma...or something.

So I called them the Babies.

And then one day, they were just too big for that.



Some things having twins has taught me:

* THROW the baby books out the window. (Okay, don't.  But read them with a few grains of salt, because life is meant to be palatable, and DOABLE).
* You can't deny or squelch their individuality--there's just nothing you can do about it.
* Don't worry so much about the sharing of everything...Twins pretty much like being twins.  I mean, it's a pretty cool thing, you know, sharing a womb and a birthday...eating from the same bowl of rice cereal (My kids always shared a bowl and a spoon Cath, I never even thought about it- I loved your twinspin today!  You are much more conscientious than I am.)  But yeah, being a twin is part of who they are, and it's kind of a big deal. 
* I am so lucky.  So so very blessed.



Well, the babies are NINE today.  I'm sure I'm still learning, but I don't seem to realize it while I'm in the thick of things...I'm just glad everyone got to school on time and didn't fight all that much.  :)

I love birthdays!

A Perfect Day...

Ada can ride a bike!

I wondered if she'd ever be able to, and she can do it! 
I watched her at the park today and felt so happy for her.  So thankful that this is something she can do.

She said with a gigantic smile, "I love that feeling of the wind blowing in my face."
"Me too!" I said.

Then we made plans.  I talked about wearing my rollerblades and racing her all the way around Liberty Park.   She asked if I remembered when Dad would wake up early in the mornings last summer to go ride his bike.  "I can go with him now!" She said.   "I can ride a bike to school!"  "I can race Mason now."  Her eyes were wide and darting back and forth as she considered all the possibilities that have opened up.

(Yes!)

She was such a sport about learning, too.  She's been very patient with herself and had a great attitude during the process.  Clearly she favors her left side, she always falls to her left side and really struggles when she has to turn right.  But by golly, she's getting it down and we are both ecstatic!  Some things she said while learning:

• "I always say to myself; Never, Never, Never give up!"

• "My dance teacher says, 'There's no such thing as can't'. "  (or something like that.  I can't exactly remember the phrase, but it was cute).

 She loves doing the "Parent Trap" pose.

I am happy for that sweet girl of mine.

It is going to be a fast, fun, flying around the town summer for Miss Ada.

Coming Soon....

(as soon as I figure out how to get videos on here)


Ada sings Taylor Swift

And other Spring Break adventures.

What a Tuesday Morning at 7:45am Looks Like Around Here...

• Ada was displaying her creative efforts (having successfully attached her new pompoms to her headband).

• Jack was being Jack (which I love).

• Eddie was feeling pretty handsome and looking forward to going to the symphony with his class.  (He practiced tying his tie several times the night before).  

• I was glad we had time before school to take some snapshots of my oh-so-very-good life on a frosty, spring morning.

"Because She's Pretty and Because She's Cute"

That's what my mother in law said when Ada was a baby.

Once I posted about Ada's nicknames and how they evolved.  I forgot to mention "Pretty Cute Carter" which is a shame because it's most fitting.

This post (click)  made my day because  I got to watch Ada's face as she read it.  It was the best!  If you don't already read this blog, you should.  It's a good one.  


Really good.

Christmas 2009 Memory #3 : Warning--This Post is Vomitrocious.

 

Sugarplums danced in their beds.

And all over our "hallway".

And all over Grammy's entry way rug.

And all over Jackie.  Twice.

Christmas morning came. We opened our gifts.  A perfect Christmas morning spent basking in our treasures, enjoying each other and the lovely quiet morning.   Our kitchen table looked like a messy, giant mound of random baked goods and candies intermixed with unwrapped cellophane and ribbons and crumbs.  It is from this heap we had our morning feast.  I remember sitting at the table, sifting through and picking out my favorite things (pretzel nut clusters, homemade caramels and cookies) and looking across the table at my darling curly headed Eddie as he took a giant bite from his giant king size Snicker's bar- a stocking treat, and his favorite.  It occurred to me at that moment, that perhaps I should fix something more wholesome for my family to eat.  I said to Eddie, "Would you like me to fix you some oatmeal, or eggs and toast or a smoothie?"  "Nah, this is good" he says and takes another bite.

Stop.

I know better (and not because of the clarity of hindsight).  I knew better then.  I even thought about it as I watched Eddie eat his king sized breakfast of empty calories.  About how the strength of my children's immune systems are affected by their diets. 

 But hey, there was tons of "food" lying around and I didn't feel like making another mess.  What's that saying about "the price you pay now is the cheapest price in town"?  or that one that says,  "Listen to that voice and take care, because if you don't you may be covered in someone else's vomit at 3am tomorrow morning".

Yeah, that's a good one to remember.  Days of junk food and late nights led to a Christmas night puke-fest.  Jack, though never actually being sick, had a miserable night as well.  It's a funny story, but he caught me writing about it and made me swear I wouldn't post it (yet). 

The Sowman's Christmas Present by Irma Wilde, 1951

We eventually slept soundly.

And all the little dears have recovered pretty well.

Time for some real food and a good sleep schedule.

Christmas 2009 Memory #2: Christmas Magic

I learned this year-
When you don't have it together,
You can still have Christmas.

Christmas Eve morning I stood in my messy, messy (I mean, messy) kitchen.  Dishes overflowed the sink and onto the sticky crumb-filled counter tops.  Garbage and neighborhood holiday gift carnage strewn everywhere.  Heaps of laundry sat in piles downstairs.  We were out of towels and pants and I had not one clean washcloth with which to wipe my dirty counter tops.  I was overwhelmed by the hustle of the season.  And my house seemed to be past the point of restoring order.  I couldn't keep up.

As I stood in the kitchen, looking at the fruits of my disorganized and distracted (let's just say it) lazy nature - I had a decision to make.  Will I make toffee before Christmas?  I really tried to prepare for Christmas, but I only got half of my Christmas cards out and I just couldn't get my act together when it came to our yearly tradition of toffee and braetzlis. 
Dishes first.  I need to at least see the counter tops before making a decision.
I strapped my ipod to my arm and turned on the hot water.  I  began singing loudly with the music (not Christmas music, I wasn't in the mood) only to press pause periodically when my kids wanted to speak with me.

My family is often plagued by the sound of me singing along with my ipod.  Being able to hear oneself is an important aspect of singing well.  Also, it's nice to have an accompaniment.  As the one wearing the ear buds, I am oblivious to the negative effects that occur when these two elements are removed.  My family is generally very patient and long suffering in regards to my loud habit.  On this morning however, when I paused to speak to one of the kids, I noticed that Sam speedily took advantage of the moment and plugged in some Christmas music before I could start up again.  I took the subtle hint and turned off my ipod.

The  kitchen counters began to emerge. Once the pots were clean I felt like I could make some candy.

And that fast it felt like Christmas.  Even though my house was a disaster,  Even though I knew I wouldn't have time to deliver this toffee before Christmas.  I was working in the kitchen and my family was all around and I felt happy.

Eddie and Jack were at the table, drawing.  Ada had spent the last few days working on a story.  It's about a girl named Ann who will prove to her father that she can be a warrior, even though she is a girl.  I stirred the boiling candy and Ada stood beside me reading about Ann bravely facing the black knight and cleverly getting past the moles and into the thick forest using her clever sense of humor.  Ada's big eyes expressed focused vibrancy as she used different voices for each character, or looked up at me to make sure I got the funny parts. Occasionally, she would pause to explain the specific details that will go into the movie once her story is bought.  Every few minutes, she would be interrupted by one of her brothers who came in to show me their new creations of fierce, scaly eyes for the dragons they were drawing.  Dragons that blew ice crystals instead of fire.

And in the background I heard sweet sounds of Hallelujah and praise for the One who makes up the difference.  It was at this moment when I realized, It is a joyous Noël, because I fall short.

Hallelujah!
He is born.
I am warm in my messy house.
I am filled with His love and compassion as I look upon my own.
I am supported by a dear friend and companion who refuses to give up on me.
I am determined to be better.

Christmas Magic.

"You Just Don't Look Happy" "You REALLY Don't Look..."

I heard this sentence from both of my boys about 186 times tonight.  While shopping at Target. 

I kept telling them that I just don't feel well today, that I am perfectly happy.  Still, they had to go on and on (and on) about how poorly I looked.  "But mom, you just look so mad or sad or something."

I love having boys that are concerned for me.  No matter how kind the intentions were, however, having to hear about how bad I looked was getting old.  I even walked over to a mirror to see what the heck they were talking about.


Why was I there at 7pm on a Friday night?

Target was the LAST place I wanted to be.  But when I pulled out the seasonal clothing box, I realized that my kids had no winter clothes.  They grew out of ALL of them.  And when I sent them off to school today shivering, all red bare arms and knees, I figured something should probably be done.  It takes a little while for me to realize that, as the mother, these things only get taken care of when I hop to it.


So even though I was feeling sick and even though I canceled my band practice  (I will explain that some other time) I went to Target.

Next time I will put on a little makeup, I think.

P.S.  Where was Ada in all of this?   About 15 feet behind me crying "I HATE going to the store and not buying things I want.  It makes me SO JEALOUS!"  She was oblivious to my state and really everything else unrelated to the fact that we weren't going to buy her any shoes.