Why I need to Chill out...

Despite yesterday's Yoga post, today I stressed all day about how I needed to get ready to have the missionaries over for dinner at 5.  I was stressing about what to make (something premade and easy, preferrably), when and how to go to Costco (with baby, or without?)  And Bo didn't nap well all day.  Plus the house was a mess and I had so much laundry to do and I'm out of soap and didn't feel like making any more (even though it's a cinch to make) etc, etc.

But we go about our day and even though Baby was not sleeping according to my plan (typical baby move), the family works together and gets it all done (except for the soap) and 5 O' clock rolls around.

As I look at the set table with fancy dinner of salad, ice water and Costco take and bake pizza, it is then and for the first time that day I think...

  I may have the wrong day.  They aren't coming. 

Duh. Now I have 1 and 1/3 pizzas cooked and just sitting here. AND  5 giant red velvet cupcakes I get to stare at and not eat because I'm still doing that stupid no treats challenge.


Then it was time for band practice.

I was seriously stressing about this.
Sam is so supportive and encouraged me to get back to singing with the 'Sugar Sisters' ASAP "before you get replaced" - he said.

So, I made sure to pump some milk.  I ended up asking Sam to come with me, with the baby.  I was so nervous about it because Bo is so fussy at night anyway and I wasn't sure if he'd take the bottle and I didn't want to leave Sam stranded.  He totally indulged me even though it didn't really make sense.  

Of course this is the first night EVER that Bo sleeps through the evening.   I don't know if it was the music or the fact that he cat napped all day.  Whatever it is, I had nothing to worry about. 

I  HAD  SO  MUCH  FUN singing again.  I really lost the music vibe during my pregnancy.  I hardly ever played my guitar.  I didn't even really listen to music.  I don't know what it was.   I did sing with the band a few times, which was fun, but never on my own.

I am starting to get the bug again. 


I guess the whole point of this post is to remind me that I need to chill out a bit.  Things work out.  

I am going to keep this in mind when Baby wakes up to play at 2:30 this morning. 

Monday's Memoir: A Draft I Wrote Two Years Ago

March 2010:

Eddie Sits On The Couch With His Feet Propped Up.

His face resembles his dad's. It's a pensive expression, one that always leads to a thoughtful remark.

"You know Mom, I'm so glad you aren't one of those moms who hangs around in their pajamas all day.  Because some moms do that you know."

(He says this while I'm sitting at the table, at my computer. I think about when I actually got dressed today...was it 12:30 or 12:45? I know it was somewhere around the twelves.  And then I began to wonder what time I might have gotten dressed, if I hadn't needed to go to work that afternoon).

"Um, yeah...sure." Is all the answer I could muster.

I'm thankful to have a boy that chooses to see his mother in the best light.  

The Soldier, the Milkman and the Frumpy Housewife.

Sometimes I wish I had it in me to be driven to have a picture-perfect Christmas or house, yard, or kids with combed hair (or me with combed hair), matching socks, etc.

I love how it looks.  Everything put together.  It's so nice.   And safer, too - I always worry about our milkman having to mince around and dodge who-knows-what's been left out on the back porch in the middle of the night.

But the fact of the matter is, I just don't want to stress over that kind of stuff, you know?  Am I lazy?  Hm... I prefer to regard my nature as "easy going to a fault".



Lately I have been thinking about my approach and I would like to adopt a more constructed way of living.  Not to please anyone else or anything, but just because some things just don't happen on their own (like matching socks and refinshed kitchen tables).   As much as I love the free and easy natural charm of life -  sometimes I want the shiny-pretty, formed thing. 

I won't go overboard though (as if I was capable of doing so).  Every once in a great while, my current approach to life has a away of working out:

 CASE IN POINT

Maybe you see damaged goods.  I see daily Christmas joy!  There he stands, stoic and erect, dutiful and oh, so serious -but then- he has only half a mustache!  Hilarious.  A nutcracker with a sense of humor.  You can't buy one of those anywhere.

Another Year Older...

Once you arrived

You made my life attached, for good,

to that which I love

for which I feel completely responsible

and yet cannot really control

I learned what it means to sacrifice

and it wasn't easy for me

to give my body, my whole self

a flesh naturally inclined toward self-comfort

and ease

-but I was happy to do it-

because you were amazing to behold

a wonder which I could call, "My Own"

And still, as I look on

You,  needing me a little less each year

(While I, ever fixed to you)

I am still amazed

You are a wonder

a gift

and true joy

to my soul.

 

Not Too Late

{day 30}

so many people to love
so much more of them i would know -
i feel i must make better use of
this short walk of life 'fore i go.

Temptation

{day 29}

(2) hundred dollar bills
 and truffles (au suisse)
a devlish grin, a handsome offer
a promise of utter bliss

relinquish this game?
(going 6 months long)
time which has been spent
trying to be strong

in resisiting desserts
and sodas and treats
feeling I've already
accomplished a feat

now I can end this
completely risk free!
from this bet that I made
when I was a wee-

-bit out of my mind,
Oh!  what would YOU do?
Take the money and run, or
continue to stay true -

compete?  play the game?
i shall go for the gold!
only problem is,
i'll just be too old

to enjoy the cash spoils,
when this whole thing ends-
should have taken the dough
made the truffles my friend,again.

Hmmmm...

{day 27}

if how i live my day
is a metaphor for how i do my life
then when i am about to die
i will finally notice
i've been wearing my soul inside out
with the tag showing
the whole time

Preaching to the Choir

{day 26}

sang with my friend
in front of old ladies and men
they closed their eyes
they smiled
they tried to mouth the words as we sang them
when it was a sad song, they nodded their heads

sunken into chairs 

room enough in their small, aged laps

to nestle layers of

grief, loss, pain, love, joy, wonder
and a blanket, too.

there wasn't a thing i sang that they didn't know -

the best audience ever.

A a Poem Within a Poem, a Love within a Love

{day 25}

September sun declares
a clean as crystal view
Beloved marveled at the sight line
being able to see so far, so clear
I marveled, once again, at him -
he is always seeing things
I am grateful he stays close

A gathering, a home
fresh babies, sage grandfolk
and all in between -
a buzzing of life and love,
we celebrate births and tell our stories
mother asks her parents to read a Carver poem,
they take turns;

(grandpa) - and did you get what you wanted from this life, even so?
(grandma) - i did.
(grandpa) - and what did you want?
(grandma) - to call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth. 

My mother's mother
choked at the words
they are true in her life -
her man of this world and forever
has loved her fiercely
without rest
theirs is a power undeniable
healing, sanctifying

Later we (My love and I)
faced one another and played music
we tried to find the sweetest songs
everything was new
Beloved sang his heart out

I felt a soothing joy
in this work, in trying to find the right song
for other lover's sweet
to celebrate another life and a love
having just seen, on the clearest day of days
the bounty of my own,

My own beloved state-
I feel to buckle my whole self to the floor
and weep for joy
in gratitude.




*Quoted poem (in italics) is titled,  A Late Fragment, by Raymond Carver

Poor, Poor Ada

{day 24}

It's 4 a.m now
went for my bed at one
little did I know
I was not nearly done

dear Ada is sick
her tummy aches so
writhing and moaning
wond'ring if I should go

to the emergency room
three hours later
feeling no better
No sleep for the "Tater"

No sleep for the mother
trying to nurse
trying to sleep and
be prepared for the worst...

appendicitis, food poisoning
maybe just gas?
a 4am bath tells us
this illness might pass

Still, I'm dressed and I'm ready
should fever ensue
or pain start to worsen
or signs of the flu

start to take up the morning
with an ER trip, too -
So I write a poem now
isn't that what you'd do? 
                                                   (you know, just in case I'm gone all day)
Now I am off
to get a drink for my girl
My sweet little Ada
What a night!  What a whirl!

A Day Which Breaks Your Heart...

{day 23}

some have asked me
what is it like to be a mother?
How does one possibly describe this... 

What is it like
to have a head on your neck?
What I mean is,
it's as obvious and understated and as essential
as the head that comes up from my neck.  

or, to put it another way -

i remember
holding my baby boy
mesmerized by the bend of time
here he was,
brand new in my arms and yet -
it always was
always will be

and here,
here is the point of no return

so,
to love
to feel a bind so essential - 
then to have lost
they say it is better than not
and i agree

there are lost loves
which cannot be replaced
like a mother and her son
when it happens, 
it seems a violent tearing of that sacred cord
which binds humanity

this isn't meant to be depressing
remember, i held a bundled newborn
and could comprehend unthwartable eternity
in love,
in relationship

but today
I will mourn with that sweet boy
not in hopelessness
but in the ache of having to say goodbye
too soon.

Springtime Self-Sabotage

200 dollars

   2 swimsuits

   4 cup cakes

127 teaspoons of frosting

one

day.

*NOTE TO TREAT CHALLENGERS: this event took place before our challenge began.  Just want to be clear, I'm still in the game!

Ready Or Not, There He Goes...

I have anticipated this day with some dread. 
This day.
This ominous looking (yet gorgeous) day...

And why?  Because I sent my first born away for an entire week to scout camp.   It's hard for me.  He won't be home.  He won't be around.  I'll worry.  I just will.  He did not ease my misgivings with all the talking about swimming and rifle merit badges and hiking in mountains with animals.

But I am not freaking out about it or anything...

Not much anyway.  He's never been away this long (unless he's with family).

I told him I was tempted to keep him home.  I wanted him safe and sound and here with me.  (He's my sidekick, my super-helper-kid).


The trouble is, he's been packed since last week.  This kid loves scouting.  Loves adventure.  Loves camping.  He is going to have the time of his life this week.  I know that.  So how could I keep him home?

I remember taking my first stay away camp trip.  I'll never forget my first long hike in the mountains, standing in the middle of a forest of aspens as the sun shone through the fluttering leaves.  I was amazed.  I was in love with it all. The smell of sun-baked dirt on the trail, the ever changing scope of the landscape.  It was constant beauty and fresh air and sky. I learned how to tie boondoggles, make my first campfire (all by myself).  The overwhelming night sky uninhibited by the city lights and exploding with stars -all while telling stories with friends.

I hope he doesn't miss me nearly as much as I will miss him. 

Parenting is a stage of life's journey where the milestones come about every fifty feet.  ~Robert Brault

day twenty-five: Closeup

Not just a closeup photo, but a closer look at some of my issues:

Who needs this many pairs of pants?  Do you know I live in a relatively small house with 4 other people and 2 cats and a bird?  My husbands also works in the home.  Every square inch is like gold around here.

I am determined to make the most of my space!  I am on a quest to UNLOAD as much as possible this summer.

Why, why, WHY do I have all these clothes?!

I have been holding on to so many clothes, thinking that I will eventually fit into them.  Clinging to this ridiculous hope that someday, someday soon I will get there - that super lean weight.  But, it just ain't gonna happen. 

..Besides, even if I could - even if I do - who in their right mind needs to house this much denim?  Really?  I need a pair for every day of the month?

Eh, no.


Today marks the beginning of a most liberating summer!  I will make the best of what I have (and what works) and the rest I will UNLOAD.  If it doesn't fit, it's gone.  If I don't love it, it's outta here.

This will be a process, because I have some cute things, dresses, books, etc.  I don't want to let go of (even though I never, ever use them). 

Today, I am starting with a tower of pants.

I am looking forward to:

• being able to wear everything I own
• not having so much clutter to shift around and clean
• a happier, more purposeful living space
• a functional garage (oh mama,  I can't wait)
• free time, free space, MORE time to play and explore a do fun projects with the kiddos.  

This is long and silly I know, but I'm excited (note all the italics) for what lies ahead the rest of this summer.

day twenty-two: From a Distance

This photo may not seem so spectacular, but it makes me laugh everytime I come across it:

 

Last year, as Sam and I struggled to put up the sail on our new boat, we were constantly being distracted by arguing twins.  

After a short period of time, I'd had enough.  I walked over to Jack, grabbed him by the elbow, then dragged him over to Ada (grabbing her by the elbow) and took them to the car for a time out.

Before we'd even made it to the car, they started up again.  I thought to myself, "They need some alone time.  They're just going to tear each other up in the car."  So I split them up.

Far, far away from each other and far, far, far away from us.   (But still in eye-shot.  Barely.)

Here's a closer look:

They did not like this.  Not one bit.

day seventeen:

" The development of technology will leave only one problem: the infirmity of human nature."

 -Karl Kraus

 [sigh]....  So much for my minimalist ideals.  I just have way too many things.  I realized this (once again) while trying to decide what to take a picture of  - what would represent technology in my life.  "Technology" isn't a bad thing.  Heck, I wouldn't be able to do this fun challenge, would I, if it weren't for computer and internet technology? 

But I have way more stuff than I am able to adequately take care of, or use.


Thanks to this challenge, I see that my simple point and shoot has so many manual settings and options.  My computer has photo editing capabilities that I barely know how to use... I really don't need a fancy camera just yet.  I could learn quite a bit with what I've got.  


So, yeah...

day fifteen: silhouette

Ahhh, the Silhouette.  The black staple of photography.  Just like that black top or pants or dress, black allows a person to take something imperfect and make it striking, smooth out the lines, and such...   Or at least romanticize it, thus improving the object being photographed.  For example:

Here is a photo of me post bike ride.  Dirty, greasy, and just plain gross: (please do not enlarge this photo.  You will just be sorry you did.)

Now, put the light directly behind me and all you see is a few hair whispies.  Much, much improved self-portrait.  (I did change the "effects" setting, but the concept is the same...)

...And this is kind of fun.  When I put my sunglasses in front of the camera lens it affected the light so that you kind of see me, even though the light is behind me.

Yes.  This was fun.

While the Sun Shines

This boy is so cute.  But when his hair gets too long, it is

OUT

OF

CONTROL!

He was overdue for a haircut.  We pulled out the stool and the scissors/comb/etc. and headed outside.

"Why don't we ever go to a barber, Mom?"

I have a few reasons.  Saves time, saves money.  But mostly, I get to spend time with just one kid, undivided attention.  And for such an easily distracted mom like me, I need to take these opportunities, you know?

Although...a barber would probably not yell at my kids to hold still while cutting their hair.  And I was listening to my ipod - so much for undivided attention.  A barber actually knows what they're doing.  The only training I have is a VHS tutorial that teaches me how to do a flat top, a bowl cut and how to manicure a radical rat tail in the back.   

No lie.

 Maybe my kids will groan with the memory of home grown hair cuts.  But I doubt it will leave serious scars.   It will be a sweet memory for me.  I made sure to mark the moment yesterday and be glad:

• To have a boy
• To cut his hair
• Then watch his eyes when I tell him how handsome he looks.   

One more of those fleeting treasures of life guised as the mundane. 

 

Also, I'm hoping to remember that this task is a sweet opportunity so I don't let Jackie's hair get that bad again. 

A Day that Seems to Go On Forever, with No Repeats... Just Like Pi.

I'm Trying to be Fun -

In the simplest of ways:

Get it? haha.  It's Chicken Pot, Pi...

As in, it's March 14th...you know... as in,  (3/14) or 3.14, Pi (pie)

Thinking of those who might actually read this post, I understand this effort is comparitively impotent, at best.  But I've learned in my 30 plus years that comparing only leads to dread and self-loathing, not progress.  So I refrain.  

I will celebrate my way!
 
And because of the lack of Martha Stewart-ness around here, there is a very low expectation.  There are occasional benefits to setting the bar low.   For example, this meager celebration of "pi" day which resulted in an actual homecooked meal (additional bonus) was well-received.  I received accolades from children and spouse.  People, this was all that was for dinner.  No salad, dessert, rolls, nothing...no pie for dessert.  Just this.  And orange juice (because it's a special occasion).

Accolades.
Extra "Thank Yous" and smiles.
Minimal effort.

Let that be a lesson to all you high achievers.

***

Also, today I got in a yelling match with Jack in his classroom after school.
Oh wait, that wasn't fun.  But I'm sure it made an impression on someone's kid, if not my own.

***
It was beautiful day outside. A little rain here and there, freshening up the air and then a little sun, too.
A hard day, for some reason, I just felt like I was walking through mud and my head is all cloudy.  Despite those things, it was a good day.  I'm thankful for it.

***
As I get ready to close shop (while it is still light out  - hooray!) I can hear my boys getting ready for bed.  I just heard Eddie sternly say, "Jack.  You better not be making out with the cat!"

What the...?

Summer 2010, A Quick Memoir...

Solve:

Take a very average lady +
(what felt like) Teeming responsibilities +   
Crammed into a few weeks time?
____________________________________________

{About 4 hours.  That's how long it took me to notice...}  

Now that I look back on it,  It was one of the best summers to date!