Agendas Don't Read Comments, People Do.

 

According to my faith practice, a desire to be called one of God’s people is a willingness to “bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light,” and a commitment to “comfort those who stand in need of comfort.”   (Mosiah 18:8-10) It’s no small commitment. 

When I see rainbows (especially in June) that’s what I think about.  I know too many dear, beautiful people to reduce Pride month to an “agenda”.  Besides, agendas don’t read and hear comments, people do. If I am to love my neighbor as myself, then I’m going to seek to understand, because I really don’t like being misunderstood or dismissed. At least, that is the goal- I fall short of it all the time.  Anyway, I think this sunset tonight is a spectacular end to the month, and it got me thinking.  

the Ugly Unbosoming

Thou shalt not covet
one explained this as, "counting another person's blessings"
i know the sin

if you don't know
it feels like bile
green churning in your belly
sour heat which burns
from your guts and up into your eyes
you blink
you try to swallow it down
it makes you sick
makes you want to bawl and hide
so you can hate yourself where no one can see you

my problem
is what i covet
the longer i live
the harder i try
i fear i shall never obtain
but be forced to live and
see what i desperately covet
in another woman's form

i don't know how to remedy this-

it's not her fortune or family
i am more than satisfied with my own

it's not her car or dwelling
i don't care much for material things

it's not her handsome features
even if by comparison her profile is much more pleasing

no,
it's her character

coveting character is a silly thing, i know
it's not reserved only for some with the right name
and others by strategic measures of
marriage or birth or by the tricking of the fates
character -
it is attainable by everyone
and yet,

i struggle
and fight
and try to be better
and just when i think i'm on the right path

she walks into the room
not a muse
not an ideal
a fresh and real live woman
magnanimously embodying

focus
quality
virtue
discipline
strength
and more
she wafts this ample bundle
while leaping through her days
doesn't stop

and i?
i struggle to carry and collect
dragging one obstinate and lazy foot
must stop to rest
every few minutes
only then realizing what i've dropped
having to go back and pick up the mess
again and again

we are all running our own race
i know it
we all have our own bundle to carry
and claim
to compare is to lose sight of the real goal
i know that too,  i do!
but, and this is my deadly sin -

i can't help but see the glaring difference
the possibilities
the breadth of my lacking
when she breezes in

no longer young enough
to be under the illusion of ample time
regret creeps in for what i have not done

and while i continue to try (i will not give up)
i seem doomed to a thick and fast
gulping down of that caustic fetor
every time i see what she,
in the very same years,
has become

she-
lovely
faith-filled
good
courage
shiny like a new penny (as they say)-
she is doing it

while i fumble along -
awkward
messy
insanely slow
ever distracted
watching
with wonder

with envy.

Consecration: A Resolution (and a Daily Struggle)

Morning comes. I take my secret and rise from my bed, only to fall again onto my knees.
At the alter now, with dust in my eyes and groggy yearnings to start again.  A deep breath sets aglow the tiny embers of precious desire (without blemish).

I am hoping to ignite fire within my heart.  Turn desire into purifying flames.  Here an offering is given -
Sleep
Pride
My very will?

This is my secret: I am wishing He stops me (like Abraham) just before I slaughter that which I've put my whole self into.

But I'll never know if He stops me until I lay it down.  Lay all of it, down.  Give it up.  Let it burn to ash and smoke.  What is mine will not be mine.  All I understand (now) is what I will lose.

Today (like every day) I wonder if I have the courage.  Or faith.  (Is there a difference?)

Ponder and Pontificate, If You Will-

If the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, then I wonder; What if one intends to do bad, (but doesn't)?  Does that lead one to Heaven?

Monkey On, Monkey Off....Monkey On.

Oy.

I was going to write of my caffeine addiction and my numerous (as in manymanymanymany) attempts to stop consuming it. So I began making this "brief" timeline and half-way through I realized brevity in this context was impossible, and besides, posting a history of my caffeine intake is not really the desired objective of this post.

The objective, then?

MY DILEMMA:

I would like to quit the stuff (energy drinks and soda). But I've made this rule not to make any resolutions that I've ever made before (well shucks.) And they have to be resolutions I can be excited about (um, not excited about withdrawals). What to do, what to DO?

(Yes, I took a picture of myself. It's my blog and I can be as cool or lame as I want.)


Well folks,
WE ALL ARE GIVEN GIFTS, AND MINE - IS FINDING THE LOOPHOLE.
(and i found it)


::: LENT :::


Thaaaat's right. I've never participated Lent before! In fact, I don't even know what it really means. From this outsiders point of view it's basically three-fold:

1. You give up something you love, or think you need (i.e. hyped-up, fizzy syrup). Like a fast.
   
2. By going without, you focus on higher things. (A pretty cool idea).
   
3. It doesn't start until March-ish (many weeks to gear myself up for a challenge) and lasts 40 days (as in, not forever).
   

A "new" goal and a new adventure.
A PERFECT RESOLUTION


Anyone want to participate in Lent with me? (Anyone?...Anyone? Bueller?)
If you did, what would you go without?

*A POST SCRIPT REALITY CHECK:

I'm perfectly aware that this whole idea only feels exciting and doable because I don't have to give up anything for another 5 FULL weeks. We'll just see if I feel like walkin' the talk come February 24th...

Hoochie Mama

Oh, COME ON!!!
It's just not funny anymore.

Today at church I led the music for the whole congregation in sacrament meeting AND stood up to share my testimony...

Then I came home and looked in the mirror and this is what I saw:

My green satin shiny shirt, busted open at the fullest part of my chest revealing a big, gaping hole.

Sheesh.

Oh, and it's not the first time.

I'm not even bosomy for crying out loud!

She Asses and Other Biblical Locutions...

The King James version of the Old Testament is fascinating. I've been reading it. Hey, if I'm going to lug my 3 lb. (I weighed it) brick of canon back and forth to church every Sunday, I might as well crack it open now and again.

The content is incredibly graphic. You know this. And really, what else could one naturally expect from those who begat the beginnings of civilization?

What I find equally as entertaining/shocking/baffling, is the language. I'm really, REALLY wishing I knew Hebrew right now. Because that would help, right? Anyway, yeah, the language is interesting.

Following are some examples (and perhaps, further evidences of my comprised ignorance):

FUNNY TERMS:

::She-Asses::

This (to me) is hilarious.

• Who decided as the author and/or translator that the sex of the donkey was important here? Somebody out there must know the answer. Why consistently segregate these donkeys by sex? The oxen are not segregated...why the donkeys, why?!
  

• I am amazed that the term 'she-ass' has never made it as a cuss-word-insult. The addition of the word 'she' is just too funny! (Then again, I have a sense of humor that only a handful of people will even pretend to understand). If I were one who participated in the art of expletives (ahem) I might use this. Okay- I definitely would. Heck, I figured out how to work it into a blog didn't I?
  

I DON'T GET IT

::Tender Eyed::

Leah (unplanned wife of Isaac and sister of beautiful, and first-choice/second-wife, Rachel) is described as thus. What does this mean? Here are my ideas so far:

• She was crossed-eyed or had a wandering lazy eye or weeping, oozing duct problems, OR
  
• Perhaps she was so unappealing, it made your eyes sore or 'tender' to look at her? OR
  
• Maybe this is a reference to her personality: Leah looked at others through a kind, forgiving and/or 'tender' eye?

What think ye?

I LIKE:

::Murrain::
ORIGIN late Middle English : from Old French morine, based on Latin mori ‘to die.’


This word is probably not new to you-but it's brand new to me. If ever I feel inspired to write poetry about death and plagues of the deadliest, most encompassing nature...I will use this word. I like how it sounds, and how it looks. Perhaps that's not a good enough reason, but plague is soooo overused, it's practically lost it's meaning these days- don't you think? Hmmm, I wonder if it would be over the top to use it as a metaphor for laundry...

Next Biblical Conjecture:

Why I think Esau doesn't get enough credit AND

Do we give our children biblical names because those people were honorable, or do we pick the prettiest names out of the bible and focus on only the redeeming qualities of those characters we copied the names from? Think about it...Rachel was known to be deceptive, ladies like Hagar did as they were told. And how many Hagar's do YOU know?

I'm just sayin'...