Blessed Three Times and Forever...

One
is the one who calls to inform me
he is at the widow's house
helping her sort out shoes
which will be given to those in need,
and then he'd like to go and play.

Two
is the one, barely a decade old
who has an SAT score
marked repeatedly with
PHS
(post high school)
but will always defer to his mother
because he cares about feelings more than anything else

Three
is the one who cannot be told
determined to learn in her own way -
and in her own world.
i am not at all nervous.
she is unbreakable in her happiness,
dancing always to a song in her heart.




*darling photo courtesy of Lizzie Carter. (click on her name to see some great photog skills.  you won't be sorry.)

the Ugly Unbosoming

Thou shalt not covet
one explained this as, "counting another person's blessings"
i know the sin

if you don't know
it feels like bile
green churning in your belly
sour heat which burns
from your guts and up into your eyes
you blink
you try to swallow it down
it makes you sick
makes you want to bawl and hide
so you can hate yourself where no one can see you

my problem
is what i covet
the longer i live
the harder i try
i fear i shall never obtain
but be forced to live and
see what i desperately covet
in another woman's form

i don't know how to remedy this-

it's not her fortune or family
i am more than satisfied with my own

it's not her car or dwelling
i don't care much for material things

it's not her handsome features
even if by comparison her profile is much more pleasing

no,
it's her character

coveting character is a silly thing, i know
it's not reserved only for some with the right name
and others by strategic measures of
marriage or birth or by the tricking of the fates
character -
it is attainable by everyone
and yet,

i struggle
and fight
and try to be better
and just when i think i'm on the right path

she walks into the room
not a muse
not an ideal
a fresh and real live woman
magnanimously embodying

focus
quality
virtue
discipline
strength
and more
she wafts this ample bundle
while leaping through her days
doesn't stop

and i?
i struggle to carry and collect
dragging one obstinate and lazy foot
must stop to rest
every few minutes
only then realizing what i've dropped
having to go back and pick up the mess
again and again

we are all running our own race
i know it
we all have our own bundle to carry
and claim
to compare is to lose sight of the real goal
i know that too,  i do!
but, and this is my deadly sin -

i can't help but see the glaring difference
the possibilities
the breadth of my lacking
when she breezes in

no longer young enough
to be under the illusion of ample time
regret creeps in for what i have not done

and while i continue to try (i will not give up)
i seem doomed to a thick and fast
gulping down of that caustic fetor
every time i see what she,
in the very same years,
has become

she-
lovely
faith-filled
good
courage
shiny like a new penny (as they say)-
she is doing it

while i fumble along -
awkward
messy
insanely slow
ever distracted
watching
with wonder

with envy.

Can it Be Saturday Now?

I need to vent a little  a LOT and I will start by sharing an aspect of my personality I'm not particularly proud of:

I resist making big goals, or more accurately, I resist working hard toward big goals, because I'm afraid of failure.

If I fail at a goal that I sort of approached willy-nilly, then I have my reason for failing - I didn't really try, so big deal.  Somehow I've perceived that notion as much better than really giving my all and in the end not being good enough.   I know that's ridiculous, that this fear of failure is what's keeping me from bigger and better things.

In that light and with a desire to really change how i "do life" - I made one of my resolutions in January to complete a race that is well beyond my physical capabilities (or was at the time).  It's one that I've wanted to do for a long time.

I've been working toward this goal since then and now Saturday is D-day.  The day where I get to see what I'm made of.  It's not like I'm even trying to win the thing.  I just want to finish, is all.  That would be a big deal for me.  That's my goal. 

This week leading up to it has been dreadful.  I am having a terrible case of the "what-ifs".  If I don't accomplish this goal, I won't know how to handle it.  Because I actually worked for this one.  Maybe not perfectly, but diligently.  I kept it as a real focus - despite time constraints,  injuries (a bike crash) and lack of sleep (3:45am start times) - I kept moving toward this goal.  What if it's all for not in the end, HUH???

Then there's my competitive nature.  My PRIDE...  There have been a few, who upon hearing of my goal, took one shocked look up and down my fleshy, middle aged frame and actually asked me stupid questions, like,  "You realize how long that race is, don't you?"  or "Do you even know how to swim?" or  "Oh wow.  I hope you've been training!" 

Dee. You. Eytch.

Yeah, I'd love to stick it to those haters. ;)



UGH.  Why can't I just be fun?  Just go and have an adventure, see what happens? 

Come Saturday morning I will be in a better state of mind, I know I will.  Until then, I have this knot in my gut that is driving me crazy!!!

I suppose that if I don't (for whatever reason) finish - it will be good for me to have pursued a goal, long term, and measure those results.  It's not a loss.  It's not for nothing!
And really, in this way, I suppose I've already met my main goal - changing the way I approach things, giving something a GO - really going after it, seeing what I'm made of.


Okay, now I feel better.  Wish me luck!!!

day twenty-eight: Flowers

day twenty-seven: Hands

1.



















2. 

3.

I Took 216 Bad Pictures...

I've been fooling around a lot with settings.  But it is all completely experimental, I have no idea what the settings will do half the time.

Ah well.  I'm glad I took pictures.  I need to start documenting a little better, the goings on in my life.  Plus,  it turned out to be quite a lovely impromptu vacation.  One I want to remember.

Sam said on a Tuesday, "Let's go camping this weekend."

Every tent wishes they had an owner like Sam.  Meticulously cared for, our tent.

We didn't fully commit until Friday afternoon.  And even then we didn't have any kind of a plan.  We decided, last minute, on going to Cherry Hill Campground.  It's close and fun, there's a water park, mini golf and batting cages.

We had a blast.  I really needed the time with just my little family.




We played Yahtzee:

What he's saying here -verbatim:  "Hey Hun, can we be done with the picture-taking?"

We swam until we were bloodshot and shriveled:

 We participated in breath-holding competitions:

We found some great places to eat (yummy comfort food) in Kaysville, Utah:

[photo taken from the internets.  I was too busy snarfing my food to take any pictures]

I read this book, taking breaks to share my opinions with Sam regarding Ms. Chua's parenting methods:

[There will likely be a soapbox blog about this one]

At night we listened to heavy summer rain pounding onto our cozy tent.  We listened to some serious thunder and were entertained (some terrified) by the continuous flashes of lightning.  About an hour into it, Sam realized that he left his most favorite (and fancy) hat out on the picnic table in the storm.  But when he went out to save it, he found that his hat can take serious storms.  I was impressed.  It still looked new!

 We climbed trees:

And did robot dances:

 

We bought enough camping chairs to seat the whole family (not just the authoritarians duo):

Some of us did push ups as punishment for fighting:

And for some reason, Eddie kept doing this:

  It was a most fun, unplanned two days.







I really loved it.

So did this guy:

day twenty-six: Black & White

July 2011:  Cherry Hill campground.

day twenty-five: Closeup

Not just a closeup photo, but a closer look at some of my issues:

Who needs this many pairs of pants?  Do you know I live in a relatively small house with 4 other people and 2 cats and a bird?  My husbands also works in the home.  Every square inch is like gold around here.

I am determined to make the most of my space!  I am on a quest to UNLOAD as much as possible this summer.

Why, why, WHY do I have all these clothes?!

I have been holding on to so many clothes, thinking that I will eventually fit into them.  Clinging to this ridiculous hope that someday, someday soon I will get there - that super lean weight.  But, it just ain't gonna happen. 

..Besides, even if I could - even if I do - who in their right mind needs to house this much denim?  Really?  I need a pair for every day of the month?

Eh, no.


Today marks the beginning of a most liberating summer!  I will make the best of what I have (and what works) and the rest I will UNLOAD.  If it doesn't fit, it's gone.  If I don't love it, it's outta here.

This will be a process, because I have some cute things, dresses, books, etc.  I don't want to let go of (even though I never, ever use them). 

Today, I am starting with a tower of pants.

I am looking forward to:

• being able to wear everything I own
• not having so much clutter to shift around and clean
• a happier, more purposeful living space
• a functional garage (oh mama,  I can't wait)
• free time, free space, MORE time to play and explore a do fun projects with the kiddos.  

This is long and silly I know, but I'm excited (note all the italics) for what lies ahead the rest of this summer.

If You Feel Like You've Got the Wind Knocked Out of You...

maybe this will lift your spirits like it did mine:

 Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities
no doubt have crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.

Tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely
and with too high a spirit
to be cumbered with
your old nonsense.

This day is all that is
good and fair.
It is too dear,
with its hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on yesterdays.
 

 ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

day twenty-four: Shoes (or not. In my case)

I really wanted to finish the 30 days in 30 days, but...it's not going to happen.  I will be occupied this coming week and unable to finish it.  This last week was kind of a bear, no time for blogging.

I will finish it up over July. 

I will probably end up taking a picture of some of my shoes, but really, this is exactly how I like my feet to be:

I mean, what better way to dress up a foot than sun-warmed sand?  Am I right?

day twenty-three: animal

[our kitty Marmalade, interrupting my photo shoot of "something green"]

[turtle at the zoo.  this little guy was hilarious.  If I ignored him, he came right up to the glass and acted crazy, dancing around.  Then, when I'd walk up to him, he just walked away and ignored me. We did this, like three times.  He was so cute, it kind of made me want a turtle.  Kind of. ]

day twenty-two: From a Distance

This photo may not seem so spectacular, but it makes me laugh everytime I come across it:

 

Last year, as Sam and I struggled to put up the sail on our new boat, we were constantly being distracted by arguing twins.  

After a short period of time, I'd had enough.  I walked over to Jack, grabbed him by the elbow, then dragged him over to Ada (grabbing her by the elbow) and took them to the car for a time out.

Before we'd even made it to the car, they started up again.  I thought to myself, "They need some alone time.  They're just going to tear each other up in the car."  So I split them up.

Far, far away from each other and far, far, far away from us.   (But still in eye-shot.  Barely.)

Here's a closer look:

They did not like this.  Not one bit.

day twenty-one: Something Pink

You may have noticed that I'm going out of order and a little behind.
 Prudence requires it.

I will be camping all week next week.  I will try to set things up so that the photos post on time, but I can't make any promises.

There won't be many more photos from my iphone during this challenge.  It was stolen. (waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!)

ahem.

[One of the last photos taken with my iphone:  Concert at Red Butte Gardens, June 2011]

[pink sky and rainbow at Bear Lake, Garden City Utah, September 2010  - It doesn't look so pink next to the other sky picture, though...]

[Rose from my garden, á la Gorgia O'Keeffe]

day twenty: Sunflare

So...some of these are an accident.  I think the point of this challenge is to do the daily requirement on purpose - not just dig up some old photos that sort of have what is being asked.  But in most of the photos, I was aware of the light and trying new things with my camera.

Almost all  photos were taken at Arch Canyon in November 2010 unless noted otherwise:

Heber Valley campground at sunset after rainstorm -August 2010.  Not sure if this counts as sunflare...the camera didn't change much (I didn't want it too) - the sunset really glowed like this!  I just wish I could have gotten more color.    

Honestly, this "sun flare" was not entirely deliberate.  But I was experimenting with settings on my camera to allow in more light and was aware that the sun would partially be in the shot.

Also, not a deliberate sun flare shot.  But I love it because Ada is pointing to it.

By now, I noticed the sun flare and  I wanted to see if I could get those streams of light in my photo, but was afraid of having too much sun...  [Arch Canyon, November 2010]

I used the night time setting here and purposefully kept the sun in the shot.  The whites of those plants were really lighting up like that in the natural light but other exposures just wouldn't show it off like this one (and only just barely). 

I know nothing about good composition, but I do like this photo of Jack.

day nineteen: Faceless Self-Portrait