9/8/2021 11:51 pm 

Life was - no -

is 

whirling - 

A Wedding,  A House of Love - 

Eternity, A House of God -

 Filled-to-the-brim Life.  Days upon days,

It is good.

Yet, tonight I sit alone "getting work done" and...

This aching churns and burns in my chest.  

I 

feel 

so 

alone.

I believed he loved me three days ago.  I knew I loved him.

I was surrounded by all of it (the Love).

Soon enough

it will just be one and one, and, 

Tonight I wonder if it's all a lie.  He's still somewhere I can't see.   

The house sits quiet while I wait.  Wait and see..

I don't get to hold on to anything.  

None of it is mine, and I feel a little lost in this quiet house

Tonight.  

What it Means to Love a Good Man

He wakes each morning
with a fast and heavy breathing
it wakes me with a sense of panic

He gets up
That lionhearted soul
determined to slay the dragon of that day

for me
for mine

And at night
His breath is deep like thunder
rumbles about the room

I try to contain my own heavy breathing
lungs struggling to stifle tears
of gratitude
of amazement
of pleading in prayer

He needs his sleep
He needs to be rested

Date Night

We tried something new.

It was a gorgeous evening.

There were lots of bugs.  We ate more than a few.

We rode bikes by moonlight.  It was so lovely I forgot to change the settings on my camera.

day nine:

[La Jolla, April 2011]

[walking the beaches at Del Mar, April 2011]

[perfect sitting rock at the beach, Del Mar, April 2011]

"But If You are Lucky, You Will Love and Be Loved"...

[Halloween 2011]

It only took Sam and me three years to forget our anniversary.  There I was with my baby at the grocery store checkout stand, well into the afternoon, digging through my purse to find a pen.  "Aha!" Having found it, I began filling out a check.  I asked the cashier what the date was.  "April 25th" she said.  "NO WAY!" I exclaimed, wide-eyed and incredulous.  "It's my anniversary today and I forgot! We both forgot!"

 "Oh, really?" She says, with a look that tells me she doesn't really care and she thinks I'm weird.  And loud.

When I got home I called Sam at work.  "Can you believe we forgot?"   I took his silence to mean that he was wondering if I said "we forgot" or "you forgot" before responding...

I think we did end up getting a sitter and going out that night.

It only occurs to me now, a solid decade (plus) later, that he may have actually remembered.  Maybe that's why he was silent.  Maybe he was testing me.   I mean, he's not the testing type, but I don't know.   I think people kind of do that early on in marriage, test things out.  See how it goes...what the standard is going to be.  Sometimes you do things proactively, sometimes you just watch and see what the other person does.  And then you decide subconsciously that, that's just how it is.   

Perhaps this is why we've never really made a huge deal out of our anniversary.  I kind of figured he might do the grandiose thing and he figured I might.  Evidently, it was okay that neither of us did.   Don't worry, I'm not going to say anything sappy like, "we don't have to celebrate our anniversary, we celebrate our marriage every day" - Because that's just uppity gross.  I mean, it's a good ideal to live by I guess, but anyone who makes such a claim is subjecting themselves to gag-responses from the married masses.  Or at least from me.

Not to say our marriage isn't a big deal.

'Cause it is.  I mean, I managed to snag this handsome fellow;

Maybe this year I'll have to plan something a little bigger...not much, just plan ahead a little. For fun.

After all, I'm not married to precedent.

Once Upon a Time in a Land Called Etsy...

There was a man who shopped there, because three months before he saw his wife searching for owl brooches and pendants. 

"Why owls?" he asked his wife.

"I don't know, I like 'em."  she said. 

"Huh."  he said.  And that was that. 

Then,  a few months later and a few weeks before Valentine's Day (because he can NEVER wait to give presents) he gave his wife this:

 

 Cute, huh?  And so thoughtful.  The wife thought so, too.  She knew she was a lucky gal.

And they lived happily ever after,

The End.

So What Do You Do When...

You have to perform in front of a bunch of people and you're really nervous?

You play the song AS FAST AS YOU CAN so you can get it over with...






Who exactly was I racing?  Oh well :)  Sam likes to play fast anyway.

1. This was fun for me.
2. The audience was SUPER nice and friendly and smiley (that's always helpful).
3. I made lots of mistakes, and it was okay.  My goal was to have fun with Sam.  And I did!
4.  The video is helpful (thanks, Jerry, for recording it).  I can really see some things I need to work on.


My favorite compliment of the evening:

"You are as good as the 10th place American Idol last year!"

[Yesss!]

A Day In the Life (as a teenager)

Early on in our friendship, when we were in high school, Sam would come over and sometimes we would watch the sunset.  My parent's house - being up on the mountain and being the house that ends the street- had a mostly unobstructed view of the mountains on the other side of the valley.  It was a great way to spend a springtime evening.  One time, I remember sitting next to Sam on the bench out on the porch.  We had opened the windows so we could hear the music coming from inside the house.

Woke up. Got out of bed.
Dragged a comb across my head...


We sat there in silence for a while, listening to the music.  And then I worked up the courage to ask him a question.  I approached it with all the weight and soberness such a question merits.  I turned to him and said, "Sam?  Have you ever killed a man?"

This is where I expected him to laugh or look confused or worried or something.  Instead, without even flinching, he responded as matter of fact as if I'd asked him if he had ever taken Ms. Stone's English class;  "No.  Not that I know of.  Have you?"

"Well... " I said sheepishly.  "...I don't really want to talk about it."

"Really? Okay," He said.  And shrugged it off, like it was nothing.
"I was just kidding" I confessed, not knowing what to do now that my tease had been foiled.
"Oh yeah?"  (Now he's just confused).

And so what I thought was going to be a joke has left me a little worried.  What kind of person thinks that kind of question is NORMAL?  Who is this guy?  I couldn't tell if he's on to me or joking or what.

I still can't tell a lot of the time,  but I know one thing.
I like it.

"Guess Who"

I say to Jack.

"Me?" (no)
"Eddie?" (no)
"Uncle David? Uncle Ed?  GRANDPA JERRY?  Who is it!?"

 "It's your Dad."

(Now he brings his face a little closer to the image, inspecting, trying to see the Dad in that little boy's face).

"Ohhhhh, really?"

"Yup.  And you wore that very shirt when you were little."

"Wow." He says.


Wow is right.  Sam is 35 years old today.  I'm so lucky he was born!  Where would I be?  Oh, I shudder to think...

I would love to write some beautiful tribute to the birthday boy, but this tribute (click) is as good as it gets.

Why It's Hard and Why It's Good To Look At This Photo:

Prom 1994, Sam (19) Melissa (16)

I was all he wanted in a girl.

And now I'm all he's got.

2 1/2 Days in the Car and 2 Books Later....

And we came home with a boat!
It was a long drive.  (But so beautiful). 

Sam's dream (at least one of them) -he wants to sail.
So after 15 years or so of dreaming about it,  he/we finally took the plunge and bought a boat.  


I am not opposed to the pursuit of this dream, even though I haven't the slightest idea how all this is supposed to work!  It will be a fun adventure!  I love the water.  I think I may love this new hobby of ours...

Only time will tell.

Do You Know How Hard It Is

For me to get myself to the gym?  It's hard, okay?

Yesterday, I was not in the mood.  But I forced myself to go.  I checked Eddie and Jack into the Kid's club at 4:32 p.m.

I walked over to the elliptical machine and set my water bottle in one slot of the console and my cell phone in the other, when I noticed I was getting a text from Sam.

:: Where r u? ::

I tell him.

:: I need u home. ::

Why?  I call him up.  He tells me there's a leak and the sink is spraying water everywhere and to hurry and come home.

There I am elliptical-ing with the phone at my ear, in utter disbelief that he is telling me to come home.  NOW.   I am seriously bugged.  Is he serious?  "Are you serious?" I say (I just got here!)
Yes, he's serious.

But isn't this kind of a man's territory?  I mean, do I have to do EVERYTHING?!!

I think these things but I don't say them because it won't help.  I did sign up to be his helpmeet, afterall.

"Okay," I say.  "I'll be right there."

So I round up the boys and checkout: 4:37 p.m.  "But we just got here!" They say.
No kidding.
I am VERY annoyed.
I get back in the car, drive home, walk in.

Sam is under the sink, there's water all over the floor.  (oh great).  He sees me and begins spraying the commands;  "Hurry and run down to the storage room and make sure there isn't any water shooting out down there!"  I hustle down stairs and open the door to the storage room expecting to see the floor pooled with what will become yet another plumbing bill... 


Instead, I see this sitting on the dry-as-a-bone cement floor:

Huh?
I was a little confused at this unexpected surprise.  I giggled and snatched it quick holding it to my chest like someone might take it from me.  Like it fell out of a piñata.  To say I was excited is an understatement.  I would NEVER have gotten one of these for myself.   Having secretly made an oath (as a teenager) to live a minimalist lifestyle and constantly feeling the guilt for failing miserably toward such an ideal, I would never have even hinted a desire of having one of these (though I reallyreallyreallyREALLY did want one).    I carry it upstairs.   Could it be true?  Is this mine?

Sam is there smiling, trying to dry up the mess from the pretend leak all over the floor.
 

I have been on my new computer EVER SINCE (pretty much).   Doing stuff like this:

 I am having so much fun with this thing

This story is proof that being married to a tease can be lots of fun.  
Is he the bomb or what?

Christmas 2009 Memory #2: Christmas Magic

I learned this year-
When you don't have it together,
You can still have Christmas.

Christmas Eve morning I stood in my messy, messy (I mean, messy) kitchen.  Dishes overflowed the sink and onto the sticky crumb-filled counter tops.  Garbage and neighborhood holiday gift carnage strewn everywhere.  Heaps of laundry sat in piles downstairs.  We were out of towels and pants and I had not one clean washcloth with which to wipe my dirty counter tops.  I was overwhelmed by the hustle of the season.  And my house seemed to be past the point of restoring order.  I couldn't keep up.

As I stood in the kitchen, looking at the fruits of my disorganized and distracted (let's just say it) lazy nature - I had a decision to make.  Will I make toffee before Christmas?  I really tried to prepare for Christmas, but I only got half of my Christmas cards out and I just couldn't get my act together when it came to our yearly tradition of toffee and braetzlis. 
Dishes first.  I need to at least see the counter tops before making a decision.
I strapped my ipod to my arm and turned on the hot water.  I  began singing loudly with the music (not Christmas music, I wasn't in the mood) only to press pause periodically when my kids wanted to speak with me.

My family is often plagued by the sound of me singing along with my ipod.  Being able to hear oneself is an important aspect of singing well.  Also, it's nice to have an accompaniment.  As the one wearing the ear buds, I am oblivious to the negative effects that occur when these two elements are removed.  My family is generally very patient and long suffering in regards to my loud habit.  On this morning however, when I paused to speak to one of the kids, I noticed that Sam speedily took advantage of the moment and plugged in some Christmas music before I could start up again.  I took the subtle hint and turned off my ipod.

The  kitchen counters began to emerge. Once the pots were clean I felt like I could make some candy.

And that fast it felt like Christmas.  Even though my house was a disaster,  Even though I knew I wouldn't have time to deliver this toffee before Christmas.  I was working in the kitchen and my family was all around and I felt happy.

Eddie and Jack were at the table, drawing.  Ada had spent the last few days working on a story.  It's about a girl named Ann who will prove to her father that she can be a warrior, even though she is a girl.  I stirred the boiling candy and Ada stood beside me reading about Ann bravely facing the black knight and cleverly getting past the moles and into the thick forest using her clever sense of humor.  Ada's big eyes expressed focused vibrancy as she used different voices for each character, or looked up at me to make sure I got the funny parts. Occasionally, she would pause to explain the specific details that will go into the movie once her story is bought.  Every few minutes, she would be interrupted by one of her brothers who came in to show me their new creations of fierce, scaly eyes for the dragons they were drawing.  Dragons that blew ice crystals instead of fire.

And in the background I heard sweet sounds of Hallelujah and praise for the One who makes up the difference.  It was at this moment when I realized, It is a joyous Noël, because I fall short.

Hallelujah!
He is born.
I am warm in my messy house.
I am filled with His love and compassion as I look upon my own.
I am supported by a dear friend and companion who refuses to give up on me.
I am determined to be better.

Christmas Magic.

Here

 
This is What I See When I Come Down Here:

A boy in the mountains

You held gold in your hand
You dipped that staff of life to the waters and carefully brought it out.

All alone (just the way you like it)
Hidden within rocks and trees.

I waited for you here
At the place you call home -

Even though it is in those mountains you know,
Where you found secret treasures and
Yourself –
Unescorted,
Uncensored,
Free.

But you call this place (here) home
Because it is where I wait.

Even though you hunger for solitude
And endless tree lined skies
And furtive fish beneath some undisturbed puddle,
Somewhere, away

You captured that day of solitary joy
Exposed that secret place
Cellulose branded, you carried a glimpse of that shiny, breathing treasure
You drew out from below the silent ground where you stood

And then
You brought it home (here).
With wild, happy eyes, green as the pine with sunshine streaming through
You shared it with me.

You’ve been doing this since we met

I am so grateful.
My boy of the mountains
Come down, Come to me, Here

I will be waiting

Remember That Steamy Poem I Told You About?

The one full of unintentional, but very present, innuendo?  Missing for now, but bound to turn up at the most embarrassing, horrifically inopportune moment?

Here is the picture that inspired it (taken about 8 years ago, in Hawaii).

Sam sent it to me in an email.
He loves me, you know.
And that makes me feel like the luckiest girl alive.

Now That May '09 is Coming to a Close...

I thought maybe I'd post a few photos of April's happenings:

Photo 1

We celebrated our 12th anniversary.
TWELLLLLVE YEARS.

This picture is misleading, we really are very happy.

Photo 2

We also celebrated Sam's birthday.
He's 12 years older than the year we got married.

Photo 3

Eddie started baseball.

He is so adorable.
And very intense (I wonder wear he gets it).

Photo 4Jack and Ada celebrated their 8th birthday.
Jack is trying the snuff out method (not pictured is me hollering at him and telling him to just blow the dang candles out before the whole cake is covered in wax. What can I say, I need to work on my being-easy-and-fun skills.)

Photo 5







Here's a closeup of the stuff I made for my Blog Giveaway.

What's that? No picture? Ohhhhhh yeah, that's right. I haven't finished them yet (but I'm working on them now, you'll get them soon*).


*Please interpret this word VERY loosely.

Mouse in the Pudding Sauce...

I was admiring my wedding ring while driving today (I know, not so smart).

Here was my crazy, day-dreaming thought process...

I was thinking that if Sam died, I don't think I'd ever marry again. Because I wouldn't be able to let go of my ring. Because the day I got that ring was the day all my fondest dreams started to become a reality. (Awwww...)

Thinking about my life and family, my eyes welled with pathetic tears of love, and as I sealed in my heart a fervor of complete fidelity towards Sam whether living or dead, I looked up to the heavens ---and then I SLAMMED on my brakes because I noticed that the light had changed and I was about to be the one doing the widow-making.

***
I also nearly crashed my car the day after I became engaged, gazing at my new token of impending nuptials. I was never much of a jewelry wearer in my younger days and so having a sparkly diamond on my hand was quite the distraction.

Why am I writing about this? Who knows.

I just wanted to write something down. I keep intending to write about Lent. (Yes, I'm still doing it). But it's hard for me. I don't know. I'm either really stuck spiritually or on the verge of some serendipitous, life-changing epiphany. I honestly can't tell which it is yet.

One thing is for sure - I've got to work on keeping my head out of the clouds and watch the road.

And if my title makes any sense at all to you, then we are kindred spirits and I ask you with all the maternal concern I can muster; Please keep your eyes on the road and your mind to the task.

:)

Valentine Goodie, Day #12: A True Valentine.

I am married to a man that does not like to be told when to be romantic and sweet and give presents.

He firmly resists it. But before you start to pity me, let me explain the consequences of being married to such a man...

I get gifts and cards and tokens of affection at random. And quite often. It's always been this way, and I love it - for example:

• One summer afternoon I came downstairs and found an ipod on my chair. An ipod. Out of the blue! It's been attached to my arm ever since (he regrets this gift, I think).

• Making the bed or rummaging through a bag or opening a book, I will often find cards and notes of appreciation.

• He has this way of massaging my neck that releases all the tension in my head, and without even having to ask, he does this for me almost every day.

Sometimes it's fancy and sometimes it's simple, but it's always thoughtful.

Oh man, he would DIE if he read all this sappy stuff (he's not a fan of effusive public doting)...good thing he hardly reads my blog ;).

So today for example, I got a "random" gift. And it's so, so perfect. I am so excited!

It is NOT a valentines day gift.
But he IS my Valentine.
Which is why I got my gift today.
Make sense?

(I do love him so)

Want to see what I got?

It's "The New Desert Reader" edited by Peter Wild.

This anthology includes selections from the writings of John Wesley Powell, Edward Abbey, Wallace Stegner, Mary Austin, Tony Hillerman and Ann Zwinger, just to name a few.

Perfect.

I'm going to go read now.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Valentine Goodie Day #3: My Honey.

A certain person wondered why
I wait all week for you.
I didn't have the words
to describe just what you do.
I said you had the motion
of the ocean in your walk,
and when you solve my riddles
you don't even have to talk.


~Excerpt from "They Ask Why" by Maya Angelou

Holiday Recap In Pictures (many of which are stolen...)

And in completely random order. And does not even come close to presenting the unbelievably hectic and fun weeks passed.

I'm totally out of blog mode and am making myself post this, because I know I'll be glad later on...




Eddie's 10th Birthday (what?!!!) He's a pure delight, I'll tell you what.
**photo courtesy of GBC**

Marble Madness. I could write volumes about how this cool Christmas idea has affected our home. I'll just say this: marbles are cool and we are, officially, a marble-playing family and I think that's pretty awesome.
**photo courtesy of our Brown Eyed Girl**

A visit from Great-Grandma Lois. We always love to see her!
**photo courtesy of GBC**

Cousins visiting from Idaho-so fun to get together and play.
**photo courtesy of Brown Eyed Girl**

We kicked off the holiday season with Baby Girl Milo's arrival. We recently held a celebration and blessing for darling Milo (and wouldn't you know, I forgot my camera?)

Eddie displaying his favorites of the Christmas spoils (hat, ear phones and idog)

Boys and Jr. Jazz. They are loving it.

Ada and Daddy after Ada's cheer leading performance. I never saw a cuter girl on stage in my life.

My sister is amazing. The photo is a case in point. I mentioned once that I wanted to make a birthday chair cover, to start a new fun birthday tradition, but was having a hard time finding fabric... so what does she do when she comes into town? She stays up LATE for days, in order to secretly make this for me (she has two little kids you know, and was without the help of her hubby for a while, AND during the day she was helping me with my sewing projects). She surprised me on Christmas with this darling chair cover, which includes a pocket so the family can put their birthday cards and messages inside.

Awesome. My sister is the best!

Elijah and Ada
More cousins from out of town = happy, happy kids all around!

More Christmas spoils. If you've spoken to me at all in the last month or so, you've already heard about my drama attempting to sew a 'Hobbes' for my little 'Calvin'. It isn't perfect, but he loves it and that makes it all worth it.