Agendas Don't Read Comments, People Do.

 

According to my faith practice, a desire to be called one of God’s people is a willingness to “bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light,” and a commitment to “comfort those who stand in need of comfort.”   (Mosiah 18:8-10) It’s no small commitment. 

When I see rainbows (especially in June) that’s what I think about.  I know too many dear, beautiful people to reduce Pride month to an “agenda”.  Besides, agendas don’t read and hear comments, people do. If I am to love my neighbor as myself, then I’m going to seek to understand, because I really don’t like being misunderstood or dismissed. At least, that is the goal- I fall short of it all the time.  Anyway, I think this sunset tonight is a spectacular end to the month, and it got me thinking.  

9/8/2021 11:51 pm 

Life was - no -

is 

whirling - 

A Wedding,  A House of Love - 

Eternity, A House of God -

 Filled-to-the-brim Life.  Days upon days,

It is good.

Yet, tonight I sit alone "getting work done" and...

This aching churns and burns in my chest.  

I 

feel 

so 

alone.

I believed he loved me three days ago.  I knew I loved him.

I was surrounded by all of it (the Love).

Soon enough

it will just be one and one, and, 

Tonight I wonder if it's all a lie.  He's still somewhere I can't see.   

The house sits quiet while I wait.  Wait and see..

I don't get to hold on to anything.  

None of it is mine, and I feel a little lost in this quiet house

Tonight.  

 Wyatt:

Like a little cherub,

A soft, loose crown of curls,

Cheeks that squeeze your eyes shut

When you smile so big.

You feel the need to love

Up you get -- you don’t wait --

Making your way around the table

Kissing the knees (as high as you can reach)

One by one, each receives this sweet token.

I know you still shower love

As far as you can reach,

Kissing those you adore however you can --

You keep shining bright,

Pure love and light without hesitation,

It is who you are.

The Woman at the Well

 

                                                     Woman at the well Diptych is a painting by Joan Columbus 

At Jacob's Well

From which she gathered water;

Coming late. An empty vessel.

Not knowing the promise of this font 

was also hers to partake.  

A mark of the consecrated, dug deep into the earth

Was forsaken by brothers and sisters

For, Jerusalem was the Holy Ground.  

She was forgotten --

Deemed too changed to be worthy.

But he waited for her at this place.

He waited, specifically for this woman,

Knowing all she had done.

The Living Water,

Seated upon the symbol

Of the promise,

Picked the forgotten and scorned woman 

to declare: 

God is not a temple.  Is not a place. 

Oh, If thou knewest the Gift of God...

You would drink freely-

Then, making her the conspirator of good news,

He declares;

I am He.  I am here, 

for Her

for Me

for You

Isn't it beautiful? They way He 

Loves each one of us?

Knowing all I have done.

Mid Life Miracle.

10.12.20

Having just come home from a date and feeling peckish, I stood facing the open fridge, searching. 

I heard her voice down the hall. My nineteen year old daughter was playing guitar while singing my eight year old son to sleep. 

Strangely and suddenly, I went back in time. I was sixteen and sitting on the shaggy red carpet in my bedroom. It was one of those days I tried to contemplate my future - one of those times I wondered what my life would bring.  Usually, those visions were fuzzy.  More of a feeling than a picture.  But this time, my young self was getting a vivid glimpse of the adult me, standing in front of the fridge, hearing a pretty song carrying through the hallway. It was such a beautiful sound. Wanting to investigate, I follow the song down the hallway and peek into the bedroom.  A lovely and grown girl, about my age, is playing guitar.  She is familiar, but nothing I could have constructed in my mind. She is singing a song about hope.  I am awed by her.  Above her in a loft bed lays a sweet boy, safely tucked in.  The softest cheek and longest eyelashes peek from the covers.  I want to know him and all about the ample collection of sea shells and rocks that rest on a shelf beneath his bed.  

Sixteen year old me seeing this is thrilled at what her life had become.  She would marvel at the beauty, the goodness.   She would think, "Yes.  This is exactly what I want. To the last detail."  There are other glimpses of the future which would have left young-girl-me utterly terrified.  But this one - this was magic.  

My refrigerator reverie ended, though I was still facing the wide open fridge with my hand mindlessly gripping the handle.  I knew instantly what the vision was, this merciful and strange gift of presence.  So, I stood there a bit longer and accepted it. I let it fill me up.  Brim full.  I said,  "Thank You" and closed the fridge. 

Then, I took my 43 year old self and followed the beautiful sound down the real hallway of my real life so I could see and wonder at it all again. 

Bread is the Word.

Some people wear emblems on jewelry, or as a tatoo: It might say,

Peace. 
Or Light.
or Love
or Om
or something in chinese that is supposed to mean one the above words.

and no explanation is needed.  You seet it.  You get it.  It may even inspire you.

Well,
My new favorite piece of jewelry has raised a few eyebrows and I feel I need to expalain:

That's right.  This chubby girl is walking around with a necklace that says "Bread 2014".


It's not because I love bread (even though I really, really do).

At Christmastime, My grandparents challenged each of us to look at all the names in the scriptures that have been given to Jesus Christ.  (The Savior, The Redeemer, The Holy one of Israel, The living Water, The Bread of Life, etc etc).  Then we were challenged to pick one, and look for ways in which Jesus fulfills that name.

I'm embarrassed to even write this, but this name stuck out to me partially because  I have been struggling with my weight ever since Bo was born, and it was becoming a real negative focus in my life.  The instant I read "bread of life" in relation to the Savior I realized that I am really missing something.  It wasn't just that I was carrying extra weight.  I just wasn't well in general.  I realized in that moment,

My focus needs to shift in a big way. 

Fast forward a week or so into the New Year, and I received an email from my mother in law asking me and all my sisters in law to pick a focus word for the year.

Not wanting to be overwhelmed by too many resolutions,  I timidly submitted "Bread" with an explanation, knowing that it didn't sound that pretty.

About a month later I received this wonderful gift.  My necklace.  It came at a time when I was losing my initial zeal for the name I had chosen and it rekindled my desire to focus on this name.

I love my necklace! Such a sweet and thoughtful gift.  My husband loves to tease me about it ("Mmmmm, bread!" he says, whenever he sees me wear it).

I am making a goal to submit something I learned about "Bread" each week (hopefully)...

In the Day Today

finally pulled out paints for my boy
he'd been asking for days
mom's been too busy for a mess

...
left to write an inquiry
sent the message hoping
to find reciprocation in friendship
didn't get it

caught myself, once again
living in a dream world
felt dumb in forgetting
some relationships just won't pan out

...
came back to clean up the paints
praised my boy for his fine creative work  
looked it over, ooh-ing and ahh-ing
saw a light in his face, a satisfaction

there it was.
right there.
validation I had been longing for, a reality
from the bluest (truest) eyes I've ever seen
love given and returned in a flash, small and sweet


whatever happens in the hours to follow
it is a good day

Gift From Qatar

I have a painting in my house.  It came all the way from Qatar.  It was given to me by a mother and father this week as a thank you gift for helping to carpool their kids home from school these last few months.  They needed some help because Dad (who usually took the kids home from school) was going to Afghanistan for 6 months.

So that's what we've been doing.  My kids have someone to chat with and joke with on the way home and it's been a lot of fun.

This week, Mother gave ME that painting, and gas money.  To thank,  ME?  I accepted the gift, to be gracious, but it was very humbling.  What sacrifice did I make?


Here, a man and his family make a real sacrifice.  Part for 6 months.  (and it's not the first time) - Time which they will never get back, but have chosen to sacrifice in behalf of me and everyone else in this country. 

And then, to top it all off - they give me a beautiful painting.  They say, "thank you" to me?  Their house is one the way to my house.  It was nothing.  Really. 

They are one amazing family.  They are strong and good, kind people.  I have so much respect for them and I'm grateful for their example, especially today.   Grateful for all who have served and serve. 


Highlights of today:

• Flags on the lawn, up and down the street.
• Eddie waking himself up to meet the boy scouts at 6:30 am to put those flags up in the neighborhood. 
• Birthday wishes.
• Lunch with family.
• Sushi.
• Bowling with the kids.
• Rain that looks like summer rain, with sunshine streaming through. 
• Watching a fun TV series with Sam (I rarely watch TV.  It's been nice to just hang out).
• School is OUT for the summer - WAHOO!

Since My Birthday is Fast Approaching...

I think I will spend the next 10 days or so recapping and posting some pictures from this last year.   Not necessarily in chronological order.  I wasn't blogging much last year, and so I like the idea of taking a few minutes each day to recall some memories through pictures.  It was a good year, I think.

May 2010 [???] - - BYU Women's Conference with Valerie (left), Katie (right) and Cristie (not pictured, unfortunately).  All women I ardently admire and enjoy being with.  It was a fun day.  Fun girls, a most delicious brownie and lectures that left me refreshed and wanting to be just a little better.

A Happy Resolve! Just an update.

Despite the fever and chills, I don't feel discouraged or very frustrated.  Don't get me wrong, I really dislike being sick.  And I should probably be a little more uncomfortable than I am right now about my lack of productivity today - but, nope. 

My awesome attitude [smiley emoticon]  can be attributed, lately, to these things:

*I am wearing my puffy coat, it never lets me down (ha, ha puns are fun).

But seriously:

* General Conference:  I love it.  I do. 

* A rediscovery of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People - Wow, what a great resource.

 * A New Challenge - to put some of what I've been learning to the test.

 * Spring.  (no explanation needed).  

Oh So Attractive Beach Closeup - Carpinteria 2008

That's all.  I'm not always sad, or heavy-hearted.  Posted, just for the record.    

Word of the Year (I Claim it To Be)

[Van Gogh, Olive Trees]

Whispering Women Working in White
Angels Anointing as Aaron was,

Is.

Charity Never Faileth - for the living or dead

She said to me,
"Look!  They've been waiting four hundred years." 

And so I looked-
And remembered

Then, through spotted satin hands and softened eyes,
A Blessing:

The Beginning of the promise fulfilled
Love, Fulfilled
Queen
Daughter
Peace
Strength
Clarity

Look!

He Loves Me.
 He Loves You.

10 Words

          she
          told
          everyone
          it
         was
          a
         miracle -
          she
          believed
          me

CHRISTMAS CHALLENGE: DAYS 22-26

It was all the same old stuff.  Nothing new, just family everywhere.  One home to the next - surrounded by people I love so dearly.

And It was lovely.
I can't believe how undeservedly blessed I am.

[Jack is reading as I type.  He said, "Mom you deserve it just fine!"] Ha!
 
The only drawback of the last few days is that I haven't had the energy to enjoy it as I would have liked.  I'm afraid I'm spent.  The last few days I have been fighting a cold that makes me want to spend all day in bed.

My challenge isn't over, though.  I have a few days before December is over.  And I've got some plans...

:)

CHRISTMAS CHALLENGE: DAY EIGHTEEN

The nativity.  A new experience? The challenge for today, is to write about it.   But I can tell you from the get-go, it's not going to be easy for me.

For the 33rd time in my life,
I sat in a room full to the brim
People young and old
Babies,  each one looked like my own


I never noticed that much before.  How much we all resemble one another.
Maybe it was because Laura wasn't there
(In body, anyway).

Searching for her in every embrace, in every smile,
I found, she was there.  Her presence was all over the place, in body and in spirit.
My sister, from behind, heard her laugh.
I saw her smiling, happy eyes over and over and over again.

I told her daughters that this silly little Christmas challenge was really inspired by their mother. 
And I wanted to write about it, about her,  but I just can't.
How can I write about my regrets for not showing my love and appreciation for her.
How much I will miss her.
How much I love her girls and how her home felt like home, always.
How she seemed to be ever youthful, soft skin, fresh faced.
Determined to make sure I felt loved and more than adequate.

My beautiful aunt Laura

 I can't do it, because I'd want to write something as beautiful as I think she is.
But it just comes out as fumbling.

Maybe someday.

Today,  in that room of lookalikes, big and small -
My daughter was the donkey.
She asked to be
She said she should because she's strong enough


I was the donkey several times.
That happens when you are one of the oldest grandchildren.  You have the strongest back.
I never wanted to be the donkey
I wanted to drape a soft blue cloth over my head
And sit on the donkey, as Mary, the beautiful star of the show
Who carried the glorious babe.

Surely, Ada would feel the same.
Knowing how much she likes to be center stage,
decked out and sparkling.

Little did I know
Ada had it right
"It's an important job" she said.
Mary and Joseph,
"They needed that donkey to get there."
And she was strong enough.  


Ada.
Have I mentioned before how she's like sunshine?  (Oh, I have?)
Can you see what I mean?
She's a smart little girl. And good.  And sweet.
I can see her face in the photo below

Dan & Barbara:  They are crazy for each other.   And they are my grandparents.

 I look so much like my grandpa.  I even have his hands.  I never noticed before.
I love my family.


That's all.  Now I'm going to bed.  I think I've overdone it the last few days.  :(

CHRISTMAS CHALLENGE: DAY FOURTEEN (AND TWELVE, SORT OF)

‎"Food is one part. Love is another part."

 I saw this video Sunday (day 12) and it really moved me:


‎
What would it take, to decide to live your life like that?
Not only to give money, and to provide food, but to touch another human being, care for and wash a stranger's face and rub tired, weary legs.

What would a person have to believe to live like that? 

It reminds me of one of my most favorite stories about Jesus (found in John, chapter 13) when He, who has declared Himself The Light, The Life, The Savior of the world, The Only Begotten Son  (who is referred to, by His disciples, as the Master) - washes the feet of His disciples.  There is a lot of symbolism in this act, but also, a call for all mankind to do likewise;

[Can someone help me credit this image?  I have it in my house, but I don't know where I got it, or who painted it.]

I am frustrated by my limitations today.   In my efforts to really make this month special, I am seeing that I can only do so much.  (and it's not much).  And in the mean time, even though I feel I am really making an effort -- I'm still messing up, forgetting things, even CHRISTMAS things (duh!!)... and so, today I've felt disappointed in myself.

Doing this Christmas challenge, I am learning (once again) the obvious, for example;

1. I think I will struggle with my limitations forever.  I hate them.
2. I can't do all the things I would like to do in one month, or even a year, maybe a lifetime.  This challenge may have to be extended.
3. Flexibility is very important and a good attitude is essential.
4. Sometimes you have to pick and choose what you'll do, knowing what you've chosen not to do in that moment.  That part is really hard. 

5.Simplicity is all too often overlooked.  I need to keep it simple!!  I happened to run across this list today and it was very inspiring and has given me some ideas for daily challenges:

• mend a quarrel
• seek out a forgotten friend
• dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust
• write a letter
• give a soft answer (boy, I could really work on this one)
• encourage youth
• manifest your loyalty in word and deed
• keep a promise
• forgo a grudge
• forgive an enemy
•  apologize
• try to understand
• examine your demands on others
• think first of someone else
• be kind
• be gentle
• laugh a little more
• express your gratitude
• welcome a stranger
• gladden the heart of a child
• take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth
•  speak your love and then speak it again        -[President Howard W. Hunter]

"If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye DO them."  

 John 13:3 -  I believe that is true.

CHRISTMAS CHALLENGE: DAY EIGHT

The challenge:  Seeing it through. "It" meaning those stockings.  I don't know what I'm doing!  Did you see my sleep mask?

What can I say, some challenges take more than an hour to complete. Dang.  I like quick results.  :)

In the meantime, here is one of my favorite stories.  It seems like I watch this video every few months or so.  And every time, I am touched and ready to be better.  To be like the older boy:

-Because I have had the same inclinations as the younger boy more times than I would like to admit.
-And because I have been the man with the old shoes in one way or another, it seems, throughout my entire life.






Happy Day!

CHRISTMAS CHALLENGE: DAY SIX

You can cup the water.  You can get drink from the water in your cupped hands.  You can appreciate every drop, the presence of the water itself.  You can be aware of every sweet moment as you quench your thirst.  But all the time, even if you drink fully, the water runs through your fingers.

It's been kind of a rough evening. 

My children and I gathered around Sam's computer, in his office, while he scrolled through photos and recordings of our little family in recent years passed.

There was so much I had forgotten.  I realized this as I watched recordings of my toddler children talking with lisps, in part sentences.  Not knowing Jack was being recorded, he would put his face right into the camera, all of his baby teeth showing and say, "cheese".    Big sparkly eyes, little curly heads.

In one recording, I had a painted face with a silver star surrounding one of my eyes.  I was holding Ada and we were all trying to convince her to kiss me.  She wasn't sure.  She would have none of it.  She knew it was me but didn't like the makeup.  We were together and laughing. 
And young Ed, always and as ever, being cooperative, dreaming and thinking and having discussions with Dad about "buffalo pies" as we explored Antelope Island.  "Doze aren't pies, Dad".  The kids were laughing at their "little kid" antics.

It was everything I could do to not shake with sobbing.

I make this goal to celebrate and to live in the moment.  I'm really enjoying myself.  It's been a wonderful experience for me so far -these crafts and secret projects and goals... but I'm seeing more clearly than ever that I can't take it all in.  It just keeps moving on, so fast. 


I feel such gratitude for my life, my children and for Sam.  I was not weeping bitter tears of regret.  Mostly I am overcome with gratitude.  How is it that I have been given so much?

How is it?

And how could I ever, ever be stingy with my life, my blessings, my material things and my time?  How?

***

As I pulled out more Christmas decorations, I ran into (for the 10th year in a row)  the unfinished stockings I started when Eddie was a baby.  My sister in law, so many years ago, let me use her sewing machine, her house and most of her fabric.  She fed me soup and she taught me how to applique the christmas tree on to the plaid material.   She taught me how to make a ruffle, how to do a "basting stitch" and a "blanket stitch".  Really, she did most of the work, which is why only one out of the three stockings has ever been completed.

Folk art I guess isn't really the style anymore.  But as I looked at those stockings and thinking of that precious water slipping through my fingers I felt suddenly compelled to finish them.  Every year I say that is my intention, but it's different now, urgent.  I want to be able to give something to my kids when they grow up.  Something from me, made with them in mind.  Something they used at home, when they were young.   

Plus, I don't like that for so many years I have made a habit of not finishing what I start. That's part of it, too.

So,  for the past hour or so, I've been working on the stockings.  Unfortunately, they're not done.  I am having to relearn everything and it's taking a long time!  But I will finish them and post pictures when I'm done.

(sorry, none of this is proofread, I hope it's not too confusing)

What It Takes

It takes broken soil to produce a crop

Broken clouds to give rain

Broken grain to give bread

Broken bread to give strength

It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume

It is Peter weeping bitterly who returns to greater power than ever.

~Vance Havner

 Image titled, "Peter Wept Bitterly" taken from Photobucket

This Morning...

I hesitated
I didn't want to be a bother, after all
They are busier than I can comprehend.

But I did it anyway.
I was met with a smile and "of course I remember you"

Embraced.
Remembered.
Hand held.

Now in world view, when before they were known only on the hilltop
The world looks on them, everyone sees.  Bold.  Shiny.  Fervent Hope.
But the world may not know

They are exactly the same
Yesterday and today.

The smiles.
The sharing.

"He lives"
"Deep Beauty"
"Have Courage"

I heard it before.

Today
One of them remarked, "you did it all alone"
As if with admiration.

"No, not alone.  I had you."
It came out, just like that.  
A little bold...but

What else could I say?  It's the truth. 

They had no idea how thirsty I was when
They led me to the water.

All they were trying to do was be
Faithful to Him
And so they loved His daughters
Showed me the well

I am grateful.

So grateful
I cried all the way home.

I wish I would have said so
When I had the chance.

A 5am Miracle

is me waking up without an alarm.   AT FIVE O' CLOCK IN THE MORNING.

A totally random picture that I like, of Ada and me.

Sorry if you were expecting something that was an inspiring sort of miracle.  But it was a very lucky thing, because in less than 36 hours my whole house has gone south.   All of my SOPs had been ignored and so getting ready for church would have been a miserable experience had I slept in until 7 (or so).

So I got out of bed (it took me 20 minutes to actually get out of bed) and by 8:30:

• I had washed 3 loads of laundry and folded about 7 loads. 

• Ironed a shirt for Sam.

• Cleaned up a bunch of garbage in the basement and put a few things away.

• Wrote a love note to Ada and left it on her dresser.  (I haven't been very patient with her the last few days).

• Made and cleaned up breakfast for the kids.

• Got dressed for church and helped my kids get their clothes ready.

• Planned my menus for the week and made up a grocery list for tomorrow.

• Cleaned off the tote that sits on the top of my dryer (collecting legos and change and whatever else doesn't belong in the basement).

Generally, I don't like to do a bunch of house work on Sundays, but everything, every room, was a mess.  Living in a little house means that it takes less than 36 hours for the chaos theory to spread and prove itself to every inch of my dwelling.

Why don't I wake up this early every day?  The momentum feels so good, like I got a head start or something.  It reminds me of a quote I read once.  Wait...I'll google it...

Couldn't find it.  And I need to stop looking, because spending too much time on this thing is what got me in this whole messy house fix...but I did find this one, which is equally good:

Lose an hour in the morning, and you will be all day hunting for it.  ~Richard Whately

Ain't that the truth?

Aw yeah, it's all starting to come back together, and I think I'll be able to enjoy my Sunday.
That is, if I get off this thing, now.
Happy Day!